Christmas haircut

Yes, that is Hapi. I took that photo right after she was "groomed" in the industrial park of the next town over (all the major towns of the Valley are strung like beads along the main highway). After I picked her up I thought I'd take her for her afternoon walk a little early and then go home, but I couldn't bear to take her somewhere that people knew us. I was still in shock at her appearance and did not want to deal with other people's shock as well. 

I took her out on a walking trail I knew of behind the loading dock of a major nearby store. Somebody on the trail commented that she looked like a small white lion, and was she "safe"? 

The groomer had suggested that I get her a sweater and while out on the trail I realized that the store I was parked behind had an extensive horse and dog shop so I might look at dog coats there. Turned out they had a good selection of dog coats and they measured Hapi for an appropriate one. Trying it on her was a bit of an escapade, she did not want the thing pulled over her head and she ran around the store dragging her extendible leash and knocking things over before we cornered her and got the coat over her head. It was technically too small for her but seemed to fit, and since it was the largest dog coat they had I took it.

I feel really bad about doing this to her, especially at the end of her life. I do not know if she will live long enough for her fur to grow out again. Even if she does, it will not be the same, shaving a double-coated dog is apparently the last thing you want to do. But the groomer said Hapi would not let her brush her out, the matts were really bad, and the only option left was to shave it all off. On the bright side, she said she thought Hapi's muscle tone was really good for a dog her age and that the matts around her hind legs and rear end were so bad they were like shackles on her, that she might be able to move a lot easier now. 

This was the first time she's been groomed in well over a year. Grooming places were shut down for the first part of the pandemic, I tried to keep up with her fur over the summer by brushing and trimming myself, but it was just too hard on my back. When groomers reopened I didn't want to take her to her old groomer who she disliked; I couldn't have anyway since that groomer required me to be present and that is against the rules now. In early December Hapi's vet recommended a groomer, and she was the only one who would take her because she had her sister there to help her and no one wanted to deal with Hapi alone.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Christmas was quiet but nice. I spent most of Christmas Day on the phone with family and had a vegan Christmas dinner with a small group of people in the neighbourhood. On Boxing Day I had a couple of friends over for wine and cheese. My friends spoiled Hapi with bits of cheese and she consequently would not leave us alone. 

We had the warmest Christmas ever, around 15C (60F), and news headlines were saying 'Eat Your Heart Out Snowbirds', since all of the Maritimes were warmer than Florida (near 0C). Last year this time we were skating on the Reservoir pond, this year the ducks are still swimming there.

Ducks on ice

The snow started Wednesday afternoon and by Thursday morning we were blanketed in it. Overnight it warmed up so the snow was not light and fluffy but heavy and wet. I spent some time shovelling the stuff, then drove to a nearby farmer's market to pick up sweet cider that was on sale for one day only. I bought two jugs, one for me and one for the girl next door who helped me shovel the snow.

One of the two Reservoir ponds froze over completely a few days ago when it was bitterly cold, the other smaller pond only half froze. Now all the ducks are crowded into the half frozen pond, and for some reason they prefer to stand on the ice than float on the water. Who can guess what goes on in the mind of a duck?

When the small pond is frozen completely the ducks will leave. A few will come back in the spring, but the majority will not return until next fall.

I photographed the Reservoir Dog Tree before the snowfall. Hapi's ornament is in the upper right, I printed her name on it but not very well.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I am trying an experiment, a technology Sabbath. Technically, the Sabbath runs from Friday night to Saturday night, but I have chosen Sunday as my technology Sabbath. Basically, no screens. Last Sunday I turned off the wifi, the computer and the tablet. I turned off my cell phone data and also text messaging; the only thing I could use the cell phone for was voice calls. I decided to leave that function on. I could have used the phone camera but decided that was too screen-y. Most of my books now are e-books, so no reading online. My evening entertainment is watching Netflix and Prime shows on my computer, none of that either.

The hardest part was not having TV shows in the evening. Reading while eating one's supper is not easy, I listened to the radio instead. Mostly CBC's Cross Country Checkup. I went through my library of paper books and picked out a couple of novels that I didn't mind rereading, so I would have something for reading in bed. One small glitch: I was going to do some baking in the afternoon but most of my recipes are now on the tablet. I was able to do something that I had committed to memory, but one recipe (Chocolate Chip Zucchini Bread) I had to postpone to another day since I did not have recipe memorized.

It was a successful experiment which I will repeat again tomorrow. I learned a few things about myself, one of which is that I am addicted to weather reports: I constantly check the weather online throughout the day. It felt weird not to know what the forecast was, or whether there was any precipitation showing up on the weather radar.

Dental Expedition

The Eagle Tree, with one eagle (there are two who use this tree)

Today was a heck of a day.

Had to go to the dentist, for emergency dental work. Last night a tooth broke, a chunk of it ended up in my supper. In the morning I called my dentist but the earliest she could see me was a month from now so her receptionist suggested I call the emergency clinic. I did and they said, Be here in an hour. So I went.

They were really nice. Expensive but nice. Took an x-ray, showed it to me on the computer and suggested 3 options: do nothing, get a filling, or get a cap. I opted for the filling, although I probably should have gone for the cap. Anyway I was led away to another room where the youngish dentist and an assistant did the job. But first they had to fill me up with local anesthetic, it took multiple shots before I was numb enough for them to proceed. They were absolutely all about killing the pain.

It all went fast and then I got the bill which was hefty. But I was dizzy so I sat there for awhile before driving home. I still have to get the cap, or a root canal or something, so that's why I think I should have gone for the cap in the first place. Oh well. I have an appointment with my regular dentist to see what's next.

I went home and took Hapi for her walk. It was very cold and windy last night so I made her sleep indoors and she couldn't wait to get out in the morning. She had a long nap in her doghouse while I went to the dentist. It was still very cold but the wind had died and it was a sunny blue-sky day. I can't remember the last time we had a sunny blue-sky day.

So, a month or so ago somebody put a little artificial tree in a planter by the Reservoir parking lot. One of the dog walkers got the idea of putting an ornament with her dog's name on the tree. A few more followed. I bought an ornament and put Hapi's name on it but kept forgetting to take it with me. Today I did remember, but I forgot to photograph it on the tree. Anyway, now she's immortalized on the Reservoir Dog Tree. I'll try to remember to take a picture of it. [Since I forgot to take a picture, the photo above is of the Reservoir Eagle Tree, from a previous day.]

Tomorrow is supposed to be our first major snow storm of the season, there were a couple of things I had to get done before then so after the walk and some lunch I got out the ladder and climbed up to take down a roof gutter. It is not a sturdy gutter and snow sliding off the roof dislodges it, so it's better to take it down before that happens. Not a pleasant job, especially in the cold when one is dizzy. One of the girls next door saw me on the ladder and offered to hold the ladder for me, I accepted. I couldn't dismantle the gutter so she ended up switching places and doing it for me while I held the ladder. She enquired about what arrangements I had made for snow shovelling and said if I needed help just call.

I asked her whether she was going home for Christmas and she said, No, the five of them had decided to spend Christmas together so that they didn't have to do quarantine after the holidays. I am secretly relieved that they are doing that.

I listened to the premier and his chief medical officer on the radio this afternoon. Since we've had a rise in cases they've been doing talks daily. I have to say, yet again, how great they've been. I kind of look forward to those talks and will miss them when they're done. The first doses of vaccine were administered in the city today, to healthcare workers working in the city. There's only the one freezer for the vaccine and it's in the city, so they are only doing a few healthcare workers this year.

I think it's going to be a while before it's my turn, I'm fairly far down on the priority list (healthcare workers, long term care residents, over 80s, over 75s, over 70s, …) There's a few active cases in my healthcare region, notably a local poultry processing plant got shut down and a couple of schools. But no one has been hospitalized and no cases in any long term care homes. The emergency dental clinic is the furthest I have been from home in the past 6 weeks, I only shop for groceries and what little social life I have is at the Reservoir. I feel relatively insulated.

All that freezing for the dental work has finally worn off and I feel crappy. But I'm glad I don't have a big hole in my tooth anymore.

Little Christmas tree

I rummaged around in some boxes in the basement and found a small bag of tiny Christmas tree ornaments so I decorated my little tree.

River walk

Yesterday Hapi and I walked up the Gaspereau River. We have not been there in over a year and there are changes, the path has moved slightly due to fallen trees and such. In one place the path is almost in the river; the water flow is controlled by Nova Scotia Power and when the river is high the path is under almost a foot of water. It is always wise to wear rubber boots on this trail, you never know when NS Power decides to mess with the flow. Also there are very large muddy patches that can't be bypassed.

"Bridge"

One of the changes I saw on the trail was rocks placed in the river along the side of the path so that at high water there you can still walk through. Another was a "bridge" made of fallen tree branches across a large muddy water patch. The last time I walked this trail there was only one narrow log crossing that patch and you had to balance on it. There was a stash of poles leaning against a nearby tree, you took one pole and used it to balance yourself crossing the log, leaving the pole on the other side. Since there is only one way in and out, you used the pole on the return trip and left it against the tree where you found it. Before that, there was an actual plank bridge, but that rotted away and sank in the mud years ago. Hapi of course just walked through the muddy water, she didn't care about keeping her feet clean and dry.

In another location the path has been widened by building an extensive dry stone wall underneath. I don't know when that was done or by whom, it is very old. Eventually the path ends abruptly at the river shore more than an hour's walk in; I am told that the path continues on the other side of the river but I think you would need hipwaders to get across. That's as far as Hapi and I have ever gone. I imagine this trail to be ancient, perhaps dating back hundreds if not thousands of years.

There are also little walk-in campsites along the river. They are mostly used by fishers, only rarely have I seen people camping overnight there. At the start of the trail are signs put up by the Department of Fisheries about fishing regulations, but there is a new sign now that makes it very clear that this river is home to a rare and endangered type of Atlantic Salmon and fishing them is strictly illegal, except for catch-and-release. Although I think catch-and-release must be very traumatic for the fish, and not good for the survival of an endangered population.

In our heyday, Hapi and I would be on that trail for hours, an hour or more in and then the same time out. There's no cellphone coverage there, I always turn off my phone when I go in and then forget to turn it back on until the next day. It's best to go in the muddy season, when the bugs are gone or not yet arrived. We have seen eagles and deer on our trips up the river, but this time only a solitary raven.

I timed our walk: half an hour in and half an hour out. That was right on the edge of what Hapi is capable of these days, we moved fairly slowly and she seemed to be fine. She stayed with me the whole time walking in, but once we turned around she took off and was soon out of sight. That's what she always does, she knows we are headed back to the car and no longer feels the need to stay close. The river is shallow enough in places for her to walk across, so on the trip home she often crossed the river to explore the other side. But not this time.

On a brighter note

My former neighbour, a young student, has been texting me off and on since she moved away to another town. A few weeks ago we had a text conversation about Christmas, she and her boyfriend were decorating their Christmas tree. I said I didn't have a tree or any plans to get a tree because I didn't have the floor space for it and besides, Hapi would just knock it over with her tail.

So today she left a tiny artificial tree with tiny lights and decorations on my front porch while I was out walking the dog. She said it was her old Christmas tree from when she lived in a college dorm.

I guess I have no excuse now.

Loneliness and Depression

OK, downer of a topic, but here goes. First go read this. Or, you can search for John Cacioppo on Youtube; he has a few rather long videos there, reading the article is quicker.

I'm not going to recap it for you, so go read it if you're still interested in this post. I understand if you're not, I don't think I would be either. Were it not for circumstances.

This morning I consulted Dr. Google on what the difference is between depression and loneliness. I didn't get a clear answer, I think it might be like telling the difference between a cold, the flu and Covid. There's a lot of technical info about the differences (different viruses, etc), but when you look at the lists of symptoms, then things get complicated. You just assume that they are all different and you will be able to define the difference, but when you start looking more closely, well, there's a lot of overlap. Likewise for depression and loneliness.

There's a lot of stigma attached to mental illness (and loneliness, which we—as yet—don't categorize as a mental illness). Lately there's been a lot of action around trying to destigmatize mental illness, and there's been some progress, but it's still there. With the possible exception of Dr. Cacioppo there's been hardly any action around destigmatizing loneliness. In some countries (the UK comes to mind) there's been some movement toward recognizing that loneliness is a social problem and there's a lot of it, but when you look at the pictures accompanying such pronouncements, they are invariably pathetic-looking old ladies holed up in grim looking digs staring depressingly out windows at even grimmer outdoor weather. Well maybe not pathetic old ladies, but definitely pathetic something. Like, no way am I that person, and, can we say "stigmatized"?

If you admit to yourself that you might be lonely or depressed, and you go on the internet looking for what to do about it, it's all pretty much self-help-pull-yourself-up-by-your-own-bootstraps stuff. Reach out. Join a group, start a hobby, engage in happy self-talk, meditate to rid yourself of negative thoughts. Reach out some more. And by the way, if you ever have felt depressed or lonely, how did all that "reach out" advice go over for you?

The general assumption in our culture is that if you're struggling with this sort of thing it's a personal problem, not social, not cultural. Individualism, self responsibility, self determination are so much part of our ethos that we engage in blame-the-victim without even thinking about it. 

Women who have babies are expected to choose between plopping said baby in a daycare and returning to work, or staying home alone to cope with childcare and housework alone. Not as much as in former times, but it's still an expectation that women get to feel guilty about no matter which way they jump.

You graduate and get a job on the other side of the country, you try to start a social network from scratch in your new location, all the while working full-time and living in some anonymous apartment building. Yes of course it's doable, and most people do it with some degree of success. But those who fall through the cracks are just that much more stigmatized because everyone else manages it, why can't they?

We make a fetish of separating people from family in the name of individual freedom, and we hustle old people out of the workplace and into "retirement communities" or long term care facilities just as fast as we can. 

You're old and alone and can't seem to connect with supportive people? You're not doing it right, go look on the internet and you'll find plenty of advice on how to do it right (reach out, join a group, start a hobby, engage in happy self-talk, meditate to rid yourself of negative thoughts).

I guess I am just tired of well-meaning but stupid advice.

It's like insomnia. If you have it or have had it, the typical advice is sleep hygiene stuff: darkened room, quiet surroundings, no blue-light emitting screens before bedtime, rigid adherence to bedtime routines, and a few other things depending on who is giving the advice. If you have had insomnia for long enough you have the list memorized and just want to wrap it around a rock and throw it at the well-meaning advisor. Enough already!

Spot the Blue

This photo looks like nothing. A drab grey November day at the Reservoir, enlivened only by the presence of the ducks. Who will soon be leaving, but never mind, they are here now.

However, smack dab in the middle of the photo, on the far shore of the pond, is a Great Blue Heron masquerading as a tree stump. He does a great job of it, the only reason I know he is a bird and not a dead tree is because of very occasional, tiny movements of his head. Tree stumps don't have heads, or at least not heads that can move.

He has been here now for three days. On the first day I saw him flying above the pond, a truly magnificent sight. I thought he looked young and very curious about the pond, flying around it several times before disappearing northward. The second day I saw him standing upright on the pond shore where he now does his tree stump imitation, and today he is hunched over and almost motionless in the dreary weather. Apparently he was more than a little curious about this pond.

A flying Great Blue looks to me like a miniature pterodactyl: something very ancient, very stately, very awe-inspiring. There used to be a colony of Great Blues not far from here but I have not seen them in years. I once went on a field trip to their nesting site back in the '80s, but I have heard nothing about that site recently, so I imagine it has been long since abandoned. They are migratory birds and usually all gone from this province by December. This bird seems to be a straggler, perhaps he is lost.

The ducks are curious about him, they cluster around the shore where he stands. 

A peek at the universe

Mercury and Venus in Libra, at home

I have written several posts for this blog but they are all still in Draft mode. Mostly stuff that on second thought I don't want to post; one thing to write it, another to publish it. I'm doing a lot of that these days, not a happy time.

However, here's something I think is quite delightful. A friend showed me an app he had on his tablet called Skyview Lite. The full version costs but the Lite version is free. You let the app access your location and then it shows you where all the stars and planets and galaxies are, right now. You can take your device outside and point it at something in the sky and it tells you its name. Or, if you want to know (say for example) where Saturn is, the app will point you to its location even if it is below the horizon. It works on a tablet or a smart phone. If you turn on your cell or tablet camera in the app, you see the night sky superimposed on whatever your camera 'sees'. So sitting in my living room with the tablet camera pointed at a wall, I glimpse a small portion of the universe inside my house. In this case the planets Mercury and Venus which are invisible in the daytime. 

Last night I located several constellations and the planet Mars, which currently is the only planet above the horizon after dark. Saturn and Jupiter are conjunct on the other side of the Earth at night so you can't see them in the sky here and now, but you can 'see' them in the app when you point the camera below the horizon. I knew that the Pleiades were in the constellation Taurus, but for the first time I was able to locate both Taurus and the Pleiades in the night sky. This morning I watched the International Space Station slowly moving across the 'sky' just below the horizon; when I first located the ISS on the app it was just passing by Jupiter and Saturn.

If you are willing to pay for it, the full version will show you many more stars, constellations and other sky objects. I must admit I am strongly tempted.

Duck season

The second Covid wave has finally arrived, the Atlantic Bubble is done. We did well, but not well enough. The HRM is the major hotspot in the Maritimes right now, and apparently Covid was identified in the waste water of my town last week. It didn't show up this week, but still. In the city they've had some popup testing events where anyone can get tested for the virus regardless of whether they have symptoms or not. Depressingly, they are finding asymptomatic positive test results. Contact tracing is becoming more difficult because there are so many cases and by the time Public Health tells their contacts that they need to self-isolate due to exposure, it's already days later.

I don't have much to say other than that. With no family in the vicinity and sons who don't phone (daughters are generally better at that but I don't have any), I am feeling very isolated now. Plus the dog who is deteriorating more rapidly, I wonder if she will still be here at Christmas.

I took the picture above this afternoon. These days Hapi is not interested in a morning walk, so we go in the afternoon. I was trying to get a photo of all the ducks on the pond but they don't show up that well, you can only see a few of them in this pic. While I was taking this photo a couple walking by stopped to look at Hapi. The woman said at first glance she thought Hapi was a Shetland pony.

I've been trying to keep Hapi out of the water but today was very warm and she escaped and got into the pond where I couldn't reach her to pull her back. I think she must be as depressed as I am, I won't allow her in the water or into the basement, her two favourite things these days.

Second round, nobody learns

Gaspereau Canal, 2017

On our walk yesterday along the Gaspereau Canal I was briefly distracted talking to another dog walker and Hapi slipped away down a steep bank into the water. I knew she'd never get out on her own and asked the dog walker to stay for a few minutes to help me get her out. He was very kind, said not to rush, he was in no hurry to go anywhere. Fortunately he was wearing high rubber boots and was able to get right into the water to grab Hapi's collar and guide her out of the water. Once again we dragged/pushed her up the bank. This time the man was doing the pushing so it went a lot faster and Hapi was less traumatized by the experience than the last time. Almost as if it was a normal part of a walk. Damn dog.

Hapi in the canal, when she could still get out on her own

At every step of the way the man asked permission to touch her, he was very gentle. His wife held their own dog away from the scene since it was an over-eager six-month old retriever pup.

Saw the homeopath this week, came away feeling uplifted and hopeful, a far cry from how my GP makes me feel. Homeopathy may be scientific bunkum but if it makes me feel better, however briefly, then I will keep it up for as long as I can afford it. There's more to healthcare than so-called evidence-based medicine.

Covid is rising in a second wave across the country and has breached the bounds of the Atlantic Bubble. Premier McNeil is once again vocally annoyed at careless spreaders, the city is being put on stricter conditions. Not exactly lockdown, but close. So far no positive cases in my health region, but we are close enough to commute to the city that it's just a matter of time. A friend is planning an in-person trip to Costco next week and I've been watching the daily listings of exposure points on CBC. Some of them are awfully close to the Costco store. Personally, I think I would give it a pass.

I watched the daily Covid briefing with McNeil and his chief medical officer Dr Strang. They do a good cop/bad cop act: Strang is the reasonable good cop explaining what is going on and why, NcNeil is the bad cop glowering and looking threatening over Strang's shoulder. McNeil has already turned in his resignation from politics so he has no worries about being re-elected. Going out on a high, I'd say.

I don't think any of us will forget his mantra: Stay the Blazes Home!

And November

I put my birdfeeder out a week or so ago and almost immediately the chickadees found it, quickly followed by the blue jays. There are an unusal number of jays in the neighbourhood this year, at one point I counted over eight at or around the feeder. They fight amongst each other and scare off the smaller birds. The chickadees are also more numerous than usual and they seem adept at scooting in and out to grab a seed between jays. 

I am concerned for the other birds though. I've only seen two goldfinches and that is unusual as well, they were formerly the most numerous. A cardinal pair visit just before dusk but often the feeder has been totally emptied by then, thanks to the jays. I am now trying to replace the empty feeder later in the day in hopes that the small birds and cardinals get a shot at it, the jays seem to find other places to go around noon.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I was talking to my son about Hapi and her brother Hiro. He had told me that Hiro had cancer which incapacitated him. But now he tells me that he doesn't think it was cancer, rather it was a preventable accident. I think he felt very guilty about the accident and clung to the cancer theory advanced by the vet who attended Hiro's euthanasia. That is sad. He texted me a Youtube video of seven Malamutes and a toy poodle being fed by their owners through a window (8 minutes long), it is very cute. Most of the Mals look like Hapi, one looks a bit like Hiro.

He also texted me a link to another Youtube video (11 minutes) about the myth that destruction of the environment and climate change can be halted by personal actions such as changing lightbulbs and taking shorter showers. This was in response to my comment that I felt pressured by certain people to invest in solar panels for my house. My son said the solar panels weren't going to save the world. That if anything, the gain of reducing hydrocarbon-based energy usage is offset by the cost of mining and manufacturing the components of solar panels.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I went to an Artisan's Market event at the local Lions Club hall with a friend. Names and phone numbers were taken at the door to enable contact tracing if needed, a handwashing station provided and of course masks and social distancing were obligatory. Nevertheless the place was crowded, it was difficult to maintain social distance and I found the noise bothersome. I got to chat to a couple of people I recognized behind their masks, but I soon got overwhelmed. My dizziness ramped up and I started looking for the exit. I told the friend I arrived with that I would wait for her outside. It was cold and damp and the only place to sit down outdoors was a still-damp picnic bench, but it was better than staying inside the hall.

I did see some nice things there but I couldn't think straight enough to determine whether I wanted to buy anything. My friend had a Christmas shopping list in her head that she successfully ticked off as she moved from booth to booth. I was very impressed with her efficiency. She has a large family in the area and Christmas is a major production for them. But over the years she has gotten her Christmas shopping down to a system, she knows what kinds of things she can gift to each family member. She emerged from the hall happy that most of her Christmas shopping was already taken care of.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Sorry, I have no pictures. I've plasticked over the window where the birdfeeder is so it does not photograph well, and taking gloves off to use the cell phone camera outdoors seems like too much bother these days. Our lovely warm spell is over and we are back to the regularly scheduled November weather. Trees are bare, ground is wet, air is cold.

Remembrance and Honour

Remembrance Day is always conflicted for me.

I do believe that all those soldiers who died or were seriously injured physically and otherwise ought to be remembered and honoured. And I have no doubt at all that serious acts of bravery and heroism were rampant on battlefields. But I also believe that those soldiers were co-opted into battles that ought not to have been fought in the first place. Their deaths were all the more horrific for being the result of very nasty propaganda and distortions of truth.

Not to mention the helpless civilians on whose home turfs those battles were fought. We modern North Americans have not experienced any of that, we have very little idea of what a war is really like because for us, it is always 'over there'. We can look to refugees from modern battlefield states to get some idea of what it is really like, but rarely if ever do we have days of commemoration for such refugees.

The USA is in a bit of a tough position. Called on to be the Policeman of the World, to go into countries in the midst of war to arbitrate or enforce or whatever, and also vilified for going in where they are not wanted at all or picking sides based on their own economic self-interest. If Trump has done anything positive on the world stage it has been withdrawing American troops from battlefield countries.

I heard on the news yesterday that Canada is complicit in recent civilian deaths in a central Asian battlefield because we supplied armament to fighters. We like to think of ourselves as Peacemakers, all the while profiting from arms sales.

These are the things we should be remembering but not honouring.

Poor old dog gets a pedicure

This is a photo of my favourite tree at the Reservoir. It waits to turn brilliant yellow after all the other trees have finished, it is outstanding. It's been windy this year but in less windy years it drops its leaves directly below so it looks like a spotlight on the trail. 

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I am reading "Bright Eyed" (subtitled "Insomnia and its Cultures") by Richard Vaughan, a Canadian poet who died last month (October). If insomnia is a thing for you, I recommend it. Won't provide any cures or even hope, but it's pretty bang on. I'd never heard of RM Vaughan before his death made headlines last month, but I think I will go looking for more stuff he's written. Reading reactions to the news of his death, he sounds like quite a guy, wish I'd known him.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

A few days ago I gave Hapi a long cow rib bone. I get a shopping bag full of raw bones from a local butcher for $3, and she's been chowing down on these things for as long as she has lived with me. However this will be the last one. She went to town on it, there was nothing left of it by the time she was done. Then she spent the last three days barfing and pooping bone bits. Some of them up to 2" long. O.M.G. She had her first "normal" poop this afternoon, I really hope she has not sustained any internal damage. She acts like she's okay now, although the first couple of days she looked a bit iffy.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

More or less at the same time one of the other Reservoir dog walkers told me she had a dream about Hapi, that I had neglected to trim her toenails and now her nails were so long they were causing her pain.

"Look at the way she walks, she's in pain," this dog walker said.

Well, yeah.

"Look at her toes," she instructed.

Hapi's feet are covered in long hair so I couldn't see her toes without trying to pick up her paw, and of course Hapi wasn't going for that.

"See, she's in pain, not letting you pick up her paw is a sign of pain."

Oh brother. Just seems to me that with two weak rear legs, me trying to lift any of her paws off the ground was going to leave her a little precarious, of course she would object. Anyway, Hapi now has a pedicure appointment at the vet's next week. I really have no idea whether her toenails need it or not.

The person who took the photos of Hapi in my previous post also put them up on Facebook. Someone commented on how terrible she looked: was she lost? neglected? abused? I didn't see that, but another friend saw the photo and responded to the comment that she wasn't lost, neglected or abused, she was just old. And well-loved.

It is true that her fur is a mess, thanks to her daily wades in the pond and my inability to groom her. She lies on the ground and expects me to crouch over her while brushing or trimming her fur; my back just doesn't permit more than a few minutes of that. So yeah, she does look kind of scruffy.

We go for a walk and see a rainbow

This morning we went for a walk with a walking group. I rarely go out with them these days but they were going to the Kentville Ravine, an old favourite of mine and Hapi's.

That's me on the right, green beret and black and green jacket.

A bunch of the walkers were going really fast, a few were going really slow, and I was somewhere in the middle. At a certain point the hike went uphill rather steeply and the slow walkers decided to turn back. Hapi decided to turn back with them, even though I was forging ahead. At a certain point I realized she was not going to follow me so I turned back too. That was probably the first time I've seen her choose to go with someone else rather than me. She made the right decision.

Hapi is keeping an eye on me. And yes, that's a sprinkling of snow on the ground, first snow of the season.

The other day we had funny weather, rain and sun at the same time. So briefly we got a rainbow.

I had to clear a bunch of greens out of my garden yesterday because it was going to get too cold for them. I rather hastily dug up some arugula and romaine and plopped them in a planter box which I brought indoors after dark. The romaine is okay but the arugula is looking pretty iffy, I hope it recovers.

On one of our late afternoon walks I stopped to talk to a man who keeps a vegetable garden near the sidewalk. I always admire the garden, his veggies are huge. Anyway we chatted about tomatoes and rats (they eat his tomatoes! He thinks there's something going on that rats are eating tomatoes) and weather and such, and he gave me a big tomato. It's called a Brandywine; he said I should save the seeds to plant next year.

I cooked a big batch of chicken in red wine to use up the remains of the bottle I opened last week. I also made an apple-tomato chutney that called for wine vinegar, but I didn't have quite enough vinegar so I made up the difference with the wine and some cider vinegar. The wine was almost vinegar anyway.

Today I canned the chutney. There's a big shortage of canning supplies due to Covid, so last month I bought the last box of teeny tiny canning jars because I needed the lid rings. Or thought I did, turned out I didn't so I canned the chutney in the teeny tiny jars. I guess they'll make good gifts.

That's a lot of activity and I am exhausted. A friend who does odd jobs and such to make up her pension offered to do some stuff for me (paid of course) and at first I said I'd wait till Hapi was gone but later thought better of it so she's going to come over to assess what needs doing. My house has become a bit of a pigsty because I am putting off doing anything about it till 'after Hapi'. Hapi has other plans.

Odds and Ends

Unexpected landscaping issues, don't ask

I started buying a dog food kibble called PC Nutrition First Sensitive Skin and Stomach, and Hapi seemed to tolerate it well. I asked the manager of our local small grocery store if he could start carrying it, he asked how much I would buy in a month and I told him, then he had his son check to see if he could order it. He can and he will, one bag a month just for Hapi. On the front of the bag is a picture of a dog which at first I thought was a Husky. But one day while examining the picture more closely I realized it was not a Husky but a Malamute, I recognized the yellow-brown eyes and the "snow nose" (black with a pink stripe in the middle). How cute I thought, she gets dog food with her picture on it.

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My brother called to tell me that our eldest maternal cousin had just died, peacefully in his sleep at age 77. First of my generation in this family to go. Who's next? I don't keep in very good touch with cousins, nor they with me, so it's good that the brothers keep me up to date. It just so happened that my brother called me when I was doing a back-of-the-envelope calculation of my current financial status. My thinking is, if I have ms then my life span is shortened, by an average of 7 years according to the internet. Also according to the internet (I use that phrase to indicate how tenuous and suspect such "facts" are) the average life expectancy for a woman with ms is 77 (the sevens! all those sevens!). I'm 72, 77-72=5, all of a sudden I am rich! Relatively speaking.

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I got quite depressed on Saturday, racing circular thoughts driving me deeper into that morass. I thought I'd like to have a nice glass of wine to short circuit the racing circles but had to read my homeopathic instructions to see whether I was allowed. A brief moment of glee when I read that alcohol was about the only exception to the restrictions, as long as it was moderate of course. Of course! One glass of wine is enough to put me under the table, one glass is moderate, right? So I did. Early enough in the evening that I could go to bed reasonably sober. Now I have a whole open bottle of wine (less one glass) to deal with. 

I spoke to a dog walking friend the next day about it. I only know her and her husband through dog walking, we otherwise have no connection to each other, but somehow we have gotten close enough that we actually talk about some pretty serious stuff in our lives that we might not discuss with anyone else. She laughed at my one-glass-of-wine binge.

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Autumn colours peaked last week, we're now into the "here-comes-winter" part of autumn: colder, greyer, much shorter daylight hours. Hapi couldn't be Hapi-er. She prances again, tail flag high. But sleeps a lot and is really slow to get going in the morning, we're lucky if we manage to get to the Reservoir before 10.30 am.

Speaking of which, the other day I saw a man by himself there just sitting on a bench with what looked like his cell phone in his hands. Looking closer I realized it was a controller and he was flying a drone over the ponds. He started to leave as Hapi and I were leaving and I asked him about his drone. He was quite excited to tell me about it and when we got to the parking lot he gave me his Youtube name on a slip of paper so I could look up some of his drone videos.

Here's one he did at the Reservoir earlier this summer. I've looked at some of his other videos, he obviously loves living in this area, and also playing with his toy. The pond I was swimming in appears on the left at 0:35 and 1:27 min, and also at 2:18 min.  At 1:27 you get a sense of the size of that pond, I was doing up to 4 lengths in that one. The other smaller pond with the little beach is where Hapi likes to go.

To ms or not to ms

Duck tracks

Saw the homeopath this morning, roughly a 2 hour consult. At the end she called me a "well-rounded case"; I am not sure exactly what she meant by that but I am guessing she meant that all the symptoms we talked about fit together well and she could identify an appropriate remedy. I went home with a little bottle of water with a tiny grain of the remedy dissolved in it. We shall see what we shall see. I am supposed to phone her next week and then come in for a second in-person appointment the following week.

Duck tracks too

She was nice, observant and asked appropriate questions, at the end I felt that we hadn't left anything out. She said she doesn't like to use medical labels since it kind of goes against homeopathic philosphy, where she is treating the whole person not a selection of symptoms grouped together under a single label. And since what I think I have is kind of a systemic whole-person thing, that seems appropriate.

Decision path

What I think I have is multiple sclerosis (MS), and that I have had it for nigh on 20 years. In the first episode my doctor at the time thought either post-viral syndrome or chronic fatigue syndrome (CFS). That episode only lasted 5-6 months, so not long enough to qualify as CFS. After recovery I was free of it for over ten years, and in that time I moved across the country and no longer had a doctor at all. If I had stayed where I was with the same doctor, chances are he would have diagnosed the thing correctly, the episodic nature of this illness is fairly unique. Not having a GP I went to a walk-in clinic and the doctor there ordered bloodwork and was kind enough to make sure I got a copy. Nothing showed up.

Decision path too

By the third episode seven years later I had a GP but saw no point in going to her because I didn't think it would help and the doctor would just tell me it was all in my head anyway. Which it kind of is, but no matter, I didn't go. That was two years ago.

This way?

So this is the fourth episode, and so far only the homeopath knows that, I haven't really had a chance to talk to an MD about it, mostly because it is so difficult to get an appointment and the appointment only lasts 15 minutes before the doctor starts looking at her watch and hustling me out the door. Sadly we don't have a healthcare system that provides for automatic passing on of health records to the next doctor. I did a bit of internet research in the absence of a doctor to talk to and quite by accident came across the description of MS which I thought fit me to a T. The relapsing-remitting kind (RRMS), which is the most common kind.

Or that?

The homeopath mentioned that she also has something similar, although she did not give it a name since that goes against her philosophy. In any case, it is difficult to get a diagnosis and can take years to accomplish. It involves numerous tests, including lumbar puncture and MRI. However, the fact that I have now had more than two episodes is pretty close to definitive. I like having a label, it's hard to tell friends the reason they haven't seen me lately is because of some nameless "condition" (aren't you better yet?). "MS" pretty much says it all. I don't like what I've learned about current treatments for this, it all sounds way too much like chemotherapy: lots of nasty side effects. So really, I don't need an official diagnosis if I am unwilling to do the proper treatments for it.

Colour

We've made it to the Reservoir a couple of times since my last post, as I said Hapi has good days and bad days. On Sunday the colours were magnificent. They still are, but Sunday was a blue sky day that made for stunning contrasts of primary colours: red, blue and yellow. There were lots of people without dogs there, just enjoying the colours. A friend was telling me that she really liked the reds, and I said the yellows were nice too because particularly on a cloudy day they brighten everything up.

The ducks

The ducks are back, males are in the majority. There's a bit of courting going on for the few remaining unattached females. I saw one couple doing their head nodding courting routine, and a male halfway across the pond came zooming over to interrupt the proceedings. It's very competitive out there. The bald eagles are more present as well, always on the lookout for an opportunity. Such lovely killers.

The eagle tree, with eagle flying just behind and to the left of it

I am going to see a homeopath tomorrow. Expensive, but I had good luck with one I saw a couple of decades ago with the same symptoms. In preparation for tomorrow's appointment I had to fill out a form about my medical history and what I was currently experiencing. An interesting process. Our healthcare system does not allow for automatic universal medical records, whether your medical records get passed from one GP to the next entirely depends on your own efforts. I've experienced a couple of gaps of years without a GP, and by the time I get a new GP I am not sure I want to pursue getting old records forwarded. And certainly all the new GPs I've had displayed zero interest in my past medical history.

I don't know how valid homeopathy is, it certainly does not fit with any science that I am familliar with. However, at least homeopaths are interested in knowing your past health history, whether physical, mental or emotional. The one I will be seeing works out of a clinic that includes other health practitioners, including a GP. The appointment is expected to last 2 hours.

Not today

Hapi and I are both feeling crappy. This is the first time in a long time that she has refused to go for a morning walk; she won't even come out of her doghouse. I don't feel all that great either, but I was willing to go for a morning walk with her at the least. When she refused to come out I was kind of at loose ends, it just doesn't feel right to not start the day off with a walk. I do have other things to do, I just have a hard time wrapping my head around no morning walk today.

She would look at me and lick her lips each time I called. Her way of saying, "Thanks but no thanks."

Of brooks and wildlife dramas

On Monday I had to go to the hospital for a head CT scan first thing in the morning so I took Hapi along and we went for a walk in the local ravine afterward. We had not been there for over a year and the changes were substantial. 

Crossing the brook

The ravine is an old growth hemlock forest with a brook running through it and a long trail that follows and crisscrosses the brook in several places. Over the years trees have fallen in windstorms and the brook has found ways to go around or over blockages thus created. There have been several significant storms since we were last there so the brook has moved considerably. At one location the brook was undercutting the trail so that it had narrowed from six feet to less than three with one foot of that over the undercut. It was just a matter of time before the trail collapsed completely, but then due to a blockage upstream the brook moved so far away you could not even see where it had gone.

There used to be a bridge here

Originally the ravine belonged to the local agricultural research station, and the director of the station liked to take his dog for walks in the ravine; consequently it was one of the only de facto off-leash areas for dogs in the whole county (our reservoir is the other one). However maintenance of the bridges over the brook became a big problem, they were crumbling and the county's building code changed to the point that the research station could no longer afford repairs. So they gifted the ravine to the county, and the county promptly made it a requirement that all dogs must be leashed there. This was not really enforceable since the only access to the ravine was a steep slippery path, and an animal control officer would have to go down there regularly to ensure compliance. Dog walkers carried leashes and the lack of an understory in the old growth forest meant you could see someone (e.g., an animal control officer) coming from a great distance.

This ravine is where Hapi first learned how to get along with other dogs. Newly separated from her larger brother at 5 years old, all she knew about other dogs was how to fight them. She had a Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde personality, gentle as can be with humans of all sizes but a ferocious beast with dogs that challenged her superiority. Here in this ravine she met a host of other dogs, watched them play together and learned to get along without fighting. Apparently other owners of aggressive dogs had a similar experience, this was the one place where an aggressive dog stood down.

The ravine brook used to have several ponds along the way where Hapi liked to immerse herself but they are all gone now, partly due to changes in the brook's path and partly due to a very dry summer and fall in spite of various heavy rainstorms. We met a few people with their dogs on this walk, leashes hanging over human shoulders.

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Falcon on dead tree pole

Later that day we walked in the woods behind the university. At a certain point I heard a raucous blue jay call and looking around I saw the jay in a nearby tree. Then I saw the cause of its warning cries, a small falcon sitting on top of a standing dead tree. There were hardly any branches left on the tree pole and its top was just wide and flat enough for the falcon to perch there and look around for prey. Shortly I caught the motion of a small red squirrel circling the base of the tree, then it started climbing the tree. 

Squirrel headed up, falcon hasn't seen it yet

I wondered if it realized the falcon was at the top. The little squirrel, probably a youngster, would climb a few feet upward then back down a bit. It continued this way to a branch a little below the falcon. By this time the falcon had noticed it and was leaning over to watch it ascend. The squirrel looked up at the falcon from its vantage point on the branch and then continued its upward journey. It knew the falcon was there, but was just too curious to stop! 

Now the falcon has spotted the squirrel

The falcon continued to watch, I tried to photograph the event and the squirrel got within a couple of feet of the falcon before it finally lost its nerve and scooted back down the tree. The falcon flew away and the jay fell silent.

Squirrel booting it back down the tree

Adventures in pandemic healthcare

Hapi watching the goldfish

I'm still sick. Last Monday I called my doctor to make an appointment and the receptionist asked me what my symptoms were. Then she said that two of my symptoms were on the Covid-19 list so I should call 811 to get a test. The earliest appointment she could give me with my doctor was end of October in person or early November by phone. Crazy. I didn't think that I had Covid, but in the spirit of touching all bases I called 811. Twenty minutes later I was talking to a human. The human said, after asking a bunch of questions, that I only had one symptom on the list (headache) and that did not qualify me to be tested (one very serious or two less serious). He also complimented me on the youthful sound of my voice and I said that right about now I sure wasn't feeling very youthful, but thanks anyway. 

The human told me that a public health nurse would call me within 12 hours, which meant anytime before 2.00am. I said I wouldn't be answering the phone after 10.00pm. Apparently public health nurses do actually work 24 hours a day, so a 2.00am call was a real possibility. Fortunately the public health nurse called me around 8.00pm. She asked pretty much the same questions as the first responder to my call and reiterated that I was not eligible for testing. However, she said, she could triage my symptoms if I liked and tell me how to proceed. Sure, why not? 

After a long detailed series of questions she said I needed to see a doctor within 2-3 days. Also, she wanted me to call back my doctor's receptionist to tell her to check the current list of Covid symptoms being tested before referring anyone to 811, and to make sure that my doctor was aware of my symptoms. Since I couldn't get an appointment with my doctor in less than a month, she recommended that I make an appointment at the nearest walk-in clinic. I was surprised by that but she told me that all the walk-in clinics were working on an appointment basis now. 

The two goldfish, one hiding under some debris

After getting off the phone with the nurse I did call the walk-in clinic that evening and someone answered but said there were no appointments available. I was told that I should call back in the morning to make an appointment for later that day. I did that, but it took multiple calls to get through. They don't have a wait queue on the phone, you have to keep calling back until you get a live person. I did that and eventually got through, again I was told that I would be called back by a public health nurse, some time later that day. Since a real appointment was what was on the line, I couldn't afford to miss that call. I cancelled everything that day—it was very warm and I was hoping to go swimming, oh well too bad for me—to wait for that call, which didn't come until around 6.00pm. The nurse questioned me about my purpose in seeing a doctor and then said she'd talk to the doctor about whether he wanted to do a phone or in person appointment. Almost immediately after the doctor called me. He asked a bunch of questions and then said he wanted to do a technique to diagnose vertigo; I should come in and he'd fit me in between other appointments.

So I did, he eventually performed the manoeuvre, but the results were inconclusive. He suggested I get a head CT scan. I reluctantly agreed, thinking that with wait times being what they are I had a couple of months to decide whether I really wanted to do that. No such luck. The very next day I got called about an appointment early in the morning two days later. I was shocked. I asked if it could be postponed, you know, like maybe a few weeks from now? But no, I couldn't do that because the doctor had marked it 'Urgent'. Really? Anyway, I did manage to get her to postpone it to a slightly more reasonable time of the morning another three days later. So tomorrow morning I go for a CT scan.

The next day I called the receptionist to relay the 811 public health nurse's message, she said she'd make sure my doctor was aware of the situation. I went swimming in the afternoon—lately it's been warm enough that the ponds have warmed up considerably—and griped to one of the other swimmers about the amount of radiation involved in a CT scan and the fact that I didn't think it would help in the least. 

She said, You're 70! What do you care? Get the scan!

Swimming this past week has kept me from depression. I feel so wonderful in the water, even if I pay for it later in exhaustion, dizziness and cold, it's worth it. The ponds are cold again, but that brief respite was very good.

So tomorrow a brain scan. I am certain that nothing will show up, but you never know, right? Do I want to know that I have a brain tumour? Not really. Then I would have to decide about treatment or not and it is a very slippery slope. A friend with a brain tumour elected not to get it treated because of the risk that the radiation treatment would do serious damage to her teeth, nose, and/or face. She decided she'd rather live out the rest of her life with the tumour. I am kind of in agreement. The 811 public health nurse didn't think I was having a stroke, I didn't sound confused or hard to understand. And that's pretty much what CT brain scans are good for diagnosing: stroke and tumours.

I have my own ideas about what is wrong with me, and a CT scan won't add any useful information if I'm right. So we shall see what happens next.

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The photos: for 9 years now Hapi and I have been visiting this small pond hidden in the woods behind the university to see the goldfish. The pond used to be the university water well, supplying both drinking water and irrigation water for the university farm that kept the faculty, staff and students fed.  There used to be four goldfish but now there are only two, and those two have grown considerably since we first started watching them, almost a foot long each. One swims near the surface and the other tends to hide lower down, but they both stay as far away from Hapi as they can. Hapi lives in hope that one or both of them will jump into the air for her to catch, but she sure isn't going to jump into the water to hunt them. In the winter their pond freezes over and we don't find out until the spring if they survived. So far they have.