And on and on it goes

Happy New Year.

I guess.

Well, maybe it will be, who knows. The signs aren't good though.

I walked to the Reservoir this afternoon, looked at the melting ice. A week ago I got to skate on it when it was a glassy smooth sheet of ice, now it's a mess of melted ice, pooled meltwater and piles of melting snow.

Eventually it'll freeze up again, but whether it will be glassy smooth or not is anybody's guess. Usually the first few days after it first freezes are the best, but then it's not very thick so you're taking your chances. Best not to go alone.

On my way home a friend who was driving by stopped and asked if I wanted a ride or not. I jumped in her car and said, "Your timing is perfect!"

These days I am out of bed no more than 6 hours a day at best, most of that time taken up with chores and errands. But if the stars line up, the weather is good, and there's no chores or errands, then I can go for a walk. I can no longer walk to the Reservoir and back without exhausting myself, so I was glad she showed up when she did.

She's not in much better shape than I am, doesn't know if it's physical illness or depression. I said, "Does it matter?" Not a lot one can do about it either way.

We've both gone in search of laughter, I found it in old "Seinfeld" shows and she in "Friends". By the time she dropped me off I think we both felt better, nothing like a good laugh to cure what ails you. Temporarily anyway.

My son's family in Toronto all have the Omicron. Today they said Ontario has more than 18,000 new cases, and since they're not doing extensive testing that's just the tip of the iceberg. It's the same here, we have no idea how many cases there really are. Today I read that the booster shot wears off pretty quickly; 65-70% protection at best and down to 45% after 10 weeks. Israel is already starting a 4th round of shots.

We're doomed I tell ya, we're doomed!

Since I am not really up and about that much, I have less to report that's anywhere approaching fun or even pleasant; so I probably won't be posting that much. There's only so much gloom I can write about before I bore myself.

Hi Jerry's Mom!

Now I am in self-isolation, hopefully just for a couple of days. Came down with cold symptoms (runny nose, headache) but to be safe I got a Covid test and have to self-isolate until I get a negative result. I've booked a Covid booster shot for 4 days from now and I really don't want to cancel it because the next available slot around here is not until late January. Hopefully it's just a cold, but even so, nobody wants a cold now. 

Covid is roaring back, thanks to a recent event in another university town and the high mobility of students and their parents at this time of year. From last Thursday until Sunday night I was ushering for several Christmas-themed musical events, mostly on campus. I felt lousy on Sunday and tried to beg off, but the organizer said they were short of staff and needed me. He called me this morning and was shocked to hear that I'd gone and gotten myself tested today; he had not thought of the risk, since everyone was masked. 

One of the events—a Matt Anderson concert—was sufficiently big that a lot of people came up from the City (another area of community spread) to see him. He does an excellent show, I'm glad I got to see/hear him. Since he lives locally, he chatted casually about local irritants, which was fun. And he gave a shout out to our local grocery store which has been handling the pandemic really excellently. Got a round of applause for that one, they really have. He had with him another local, Kim Dunn, a set of black gospel singers and a couple from Newfoundland (don't remember their names), and a great bass player whose last name might be Dixon. The gospel singers called him 'Uncle Baby' because he was the youngest of a large family and was already an uncle at the moment of his birth.

Rather ironically, my job was to check people's vaccination status at the door. So every single person attending got to stand in front of me, in close proximity, while I examined their ID and vaccination proof. It was cold outside and there was a long line-up to get in so the outside door was kept open and my hands froze. After a while of reading teeny tiny print my eyes were watering and I couldn't read at all. Not to mention the discomfort of wearing a mask with a runny nose and a headache, and the reflection of the overhead lights on the plastic IDs. The concert was delayed by half an hour due to us being so diligent about checking vaccination proof, a couple of people thanked us for being so careful. 

I had the official app on my phone for scanning the vaccination proof, but it worked haphazardly. Everyone had different versions of proof, some paper some plasticized, some big some small, some with a scan code some without. Some even from out of province. It was actually faster just to eyeball the documents rather than try to scan them.

People were trying to show me their driver's licence photo, thinking that that was what I was looking for. But it wasn't, with everyone masked a driver's licence photo is useless. I just needed to check that the name on the licence or other ID was the same as the name on the vaccination proof. It's a small town so a lot of people I recognized anyway.

One person said, "Hi! I'm Jerry's Mom!"

Jerry's mom?!? Who the heck is Jerry? Then I remembered. Jerry is a dog and I used to walk with Jerry and his 'Mom' when Hapi was alive. But by the time I remembered she was gone.

Hi Jerry's Mom!

Christmas haircut

Yes, that is Hapi. I took that photo right after she was "groomed" in the industrial park of the next town over (all the major towns of the Valley are strung like beads along the main highway). After I picked her up I thought I'd take her for her afternoon walk a little early and then go home, but I couldn't bear to take her somewhere that people knew us. I was still in shock at her appearance and did not want to deal with other people's shock as well. 

I took her out on a walking trail I knew of behind the loading dock of a major nearby store. Somebody on the trail commented that she looked like a small white lion, and was she "safe"? 

The groomer had suggested that I get her a sweater and while out on the trail I realized that the store I was parked behind had an extensive horse and dog shop so I might look at dog coats there. Turned out they had a good selection of dog coats and they measured Hapi for an appropriate one. Trying it on her was a bit of an escapade, she did not want the thing pulled over her head and she ran around the store dragging her extendible leash and knocking things over before we cornered her and got the coat over her head. It was technically too small for her but seemed to fit, and since it was the largest dog coat they had I took it.

I feel really bad about doing this to her, especially at the end of her life. I do not know if she will live long enough for her fur to grow out again. Even if she does, it will not be the same, shaving a double-coated dog is apparently the last thing you want to do. But the groomer said Hapi would not let her brush her out, the matts were really bad, and the only option left was to shave it all off. On the bright side, she said she thought Hapi's muscle tone was really good for a dog her age and that the matts around her hind legs and rear end were so bad they were like shackles on her, that she might be able to move a lot easier now. 

This was the first time she's been groomed in well over a year. Grooming places were shut down for the first part of the pandemic, I tried to keep up with her fur over the summer by brushing and trimming myself, but it was just too hard on my back. When groomers reopened I didn't want to take her to her old groomer who she disliked; I couldn't have anyway since that groomer required me to be present and that is against the rules now. In early December Hapi's vet recommended a groomer, and she was the only one who would take her because she had her sister there to help her and no one wanted to deal with Hapi alone.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Christmas was quiet but nice. I spent most of Christmas Day on the phone with family and had a vegan Christmas dinner with a small group of people in the neighbourhood. On Boxing Day I had a couple of friends over for wine and cheese. My friends spoiled Hapi with bits of cheese and she consequently would not leave us alone. 

We had the warmest Christmas ever, around 15C (60F), and news headlines were saying 'Eat Your Heart Out Snowbirds', since all of the Maritimes were warmer than Florida (near 0C). Last year this time we were skating on the Reservoir pond, this year the ducks are still swimming there.

Little Christmas tree

I rummaged around in some boxes in the basement and found a small bag of tiny Christmas tree ornaments so I decorated my little tree.

On a brighter note

My former neighbour, a young student, has been texting me off and on since she moved away to another town. A few weeks ago we had a text conversation about Christmas, she and her boyfriend were decorating their Christmas tree. I said I didn't have a tree or any plans to get a tree because I didn't have the floor space for it and besides, Hapi would just knock it over with her tail.

So today she left a tiny artificial tree with tiny lights and decorations on my front porch while I was out walking the dog. She said it was her old Christmas tree from when she lived in a college dorm.

I guess I have no excuse now.

Loneliness and Depression

OK, downer of a topic, but here goes. First go read this. Or, you can search for John Cacioppo on Youtube; he has a few rather long videos there, reading the article is quicker.

I'm not going to recap it for you, so go read it if you're still interested in this post. I understand if you're not, I don't think I would be either. Were it not for circumstances.

This morning I consulted Dr. Google on what the difference is between depression and loneliness. I didn't get a clear answer, I think it might be like telling the difference between a cold, the flu and Covid. There's a lot of technical info about the differences (different viruses, etc), but when you look at the lists of symptoms, then things get complicated. You just assume that they are all different and you will be able to define the difference, but when you start looking more closely, well, there's a lot of overlap. Likewise for depression and loneliness.

There's a lot of stigma attached to mental illness (and loneliness, which we—as yet—don't categorize as a mental illness). Lately there's been a lot of action around trying to destigmatize mental illness, and there's been some progress, but it's still there. With the possible exception of Dr. Cacioppo there's been hardly any action around destigmatizing loneliness. In some countries (the UK comes to mind) there's been some movement toward recognizing that loneliness is a social problem and there's a lot of it, but when you look at the pictures accompanying such pronouncements, they are invariably pathetic-looking old ladies holed up in grim looking digs staring depressingly out windows at even grimmer outdoor weather. Well maybe not pathetic old ladies, but definitely pathetic something. Like, no way am I that person, and, can we say "stigmatized"?

If you admit to yourself that you might be lonely or depressed, and you go on the internet looking for what to do about it, it's all pretty much self-help-pull-yourself-up-by-your-own-bootstraps stuff. Reach out. Join a group, start a hobby, engage in happy self-talk, meditate to rid yourself of negative thoughts. Reach out some more. And by the way, if you ever have felt depressed or lonely, how did all that "reach out" advice go over for you?

The general assumption in our culture is that if you're struggling with this sort of thing it's a personal problem, not social, not cultural. Individualism, self responsibility, self determination are so much part of our ethos that we engage in blame-the-victim without even thinking about it. 

Women who have babies are expected to choose between plopping said baby in a daycare and returning to work, or staying home alone to cope with childcare and housework alone. Not as much as in former times, but it's still an expectation that women get to feel guilty about no matter which way they jump.

You graduate and get a job on the other side of the country, you try to start a social network from scratch in your new location, all the while working full-time and living in some anonymous apartment building. Yes of course it's doable, and most people do it with some degree of success. But those who fall through the cracks are just that much more stigmatized because everyone else manages it, why can't they?

We make a fetish of separating people from family in the name of individual freedom, and we hustle old people out of the workplace and into "retirement communities" or long term care facilities just as fast as we can. 

You're old and alone and can't seem to connect with supportive people? You're not doing it right, go look on the internet and you'll find plenty of advice on how to do it right (reach out, join a group, start a hobby, engage in happy self-talk, meditate to rid yourself of negative thoughts).

I guess I am just tired of well-meaning but stupid advice.

It's like insomnia. If you have it or have had it, the typical advice is sleep hygiene stuff: darkened room, quiet surroundings, no blue-light emitting screens before bedtime, rigid adherence to bedtime routines, and a few other things depending on who is giving the advice. If you have had insomnia for long enough you have the list memorized and just want to wrap it around a rock and throw it at the well-meaning advisor. Enough already!