Another year, another day...

Today is over a year from my last post. Here's a list of what has happened in that year, in no particular order:

Princess died, she was just over 15 1/2 years old and suddenly lost control of her rear end. Too big for me to carry and I declined the vet's recommendation of X-rays and possible surgery.

I flew out west and back; I stayed with a friend in New Westminster and visited various friends and family. The main purpose of the trip was to see my brother with stage 4 liver cancer on Hornby Island. I had promised myself I would go when I no longer had a dog. I had such a lovely time with few health repercussions. Wore an N95 mask on all airplanes between here and there.

My New Westminster friend's balcony overlooking the Fraser River

While out west I saw a dear friend with advanced Parkinson's. Sadly, the mental/cognitive symptoms were far worse than the physical ones. Her partner arranged for her to go into a pretty good nursing home when he could no longer cope with her cognitive decline. When I saw her she was seriously crippled and in a wheel chair, but she did recognize me and smiled delightedly to see me. Her partner said it was the first time in a long time he saw her that happy. But she cried when we left. And a couple of weeks ago her partner called me to say that she had died. Her decline was rapid after I saw her, she no longer recognized him or responded to him. She was my best friend when I lived there, I feel so badly for her, how awful her decline was. But I am grateful that I saw her before the end.

My dear friend and I

My brother continues to decline, he is all there mentally but very thin and frail.

My other brother has also been diagnosed recently with cancer. The diagnosis came in December but he didn't want to tell anyone over Christmas so I only found out in January. Simultaneously his wife was diagnosed with cancer, had immediate surgery and is recovering now. I hope that goes well.

I started attending my writing group's zoom calls, in hopes that it would inspire me to start writing again. Not sure it was that successful. 

In addition to my fish I got four mystery snails. They fornicate a lot and leave bright pink batches of eggs on the walls of their aquarium. They have zero interest in parenting those eggs.

 

Mystery snail fornication in progress

Worst drought in a long time, starting in June and not really letting up until October. Followed by an early winter with lots of snow. My snow plough guy came five times in December alone, which is pretty unusual. 

I have two new dogs, Daisy and Maisie. Like Princess they were 13 years old when they came to live with me, but being terriers I suspect they will live longer than Princess did. They bark a lot.

 

Maisie and Daisy

And I am still sick. The last couple of weeks have been bad, I am trying to wait it out. There's nothing I can do. I feel like a puddle of mud.

However last fall I attended the 3rd annual Covid Symposium via zoom ( the Covid Network headed up by Dr Angela Cheung) and among other things connected with a guy who has organized a province wide support group. Since then I have attended a few group meetings and it is nice to connect with others in the same boat. They are trying to expand the reach of the group to the rest of Canada, people in Alberta and BC are interested but they haven't made connections in the rest of the country. I'd have thought people in Ontario would be interested but apparently not. The thing about this group is that sessions are facilitated by fellow LC sufferers. It's night and day having a group facilitated by one of us versus some healthcare professional. They just don't get the lived experience.

I've also been seeing a counsellor. She is nice and really tries hard to understand, but I can't describe it effectively. She told me about a case she is following, a couple in which the wife has LC and the husband feels like she is making a lot of demands on him causing him some frustration. It sounds like the wife is not Severe, she is able to work from home. Maybe Moderate-Severe. But even so… I am curious to hear how their counsellor is handling this case.

Today: well we had a big dump of snow two weekends ago and my snow plough guy ploughed my driveway up to my car, but I still had to dig a path from my back door to the edge he had ploughed to. Maybe double my car length. The snow had drifted so parts of it were over three feet deep. After that I did not have the stamina to dig out my car. A day later my neighbour was concerned and came over to dig it out (covered in over a foot of snow). By that time I was in a crash; I couldn't have dug out the car if my life depended on it. So I was very grateful. She said she needed to get out of the house to take a break from doomscrolling (she's American Canadian).

Anyway, I am still in a crash. Can hardly move from my couch, my skin is so sensitive my clothes feel like steel wool and when I touch my skin my fingers feel like sandpaper. My hands and feet tingle, my bowels are unhappy, my eyes are burning, my head feels like it's full of lead. Not to mention no stamina and even though I am in bed for 10 hours at night and apparently asleep for most of that time, I wake up utterly exhausted. The lack of stamina and the leaden head require that I spend most of my awake time lying down or semi-reclined. I force myself to get up to let the dogs in/out, bring in a load of firewood and fill the bird feeder. I make simple meals most of the time. 

However.

I signed up for HelloFresh just for a break from ready-made meals, but the minimum order is three meals of two servings each. Although for my appetite that's three servings each, sometimes four. They say that they require 15-35 minutes prep time, but at my pace it is at least double whatever they think it should be. 

I cannot stand at the kitchen counter for that long. I read the recipes and try to figure out how I can break it into two or more sessions on my feet, but the recipes have a lot of "meanwhiles". As in "while the rice cooks heat a large pan and fry some other ingredients" or "heat the oven and roast some other ingredients". 

Sometimes there are nested or sequential meanwhiles. Cognitively I just can't manage all the timekeeping involved in the meanwhiles, let alone the standing there always doing something or other. I frequently burn stuff. I have one more "free" meal and then I plan to quit. I enjoy the variety of ingredients and flavours but definitely not the work involved.

Ice and Snow, ME and My Dog

I've been intending to write a post here, but every time I open the laptop to do so, I get distracted by something else on the internet and lickety split it is supper time and I need to get going on Princess's supper, my supper, etc etc.

Reading: Supersurvivors (2014) and A Memory of Light (2013). I would like to say more, but just can't right now.

First major snowstorm of the year I think, happening today.

Listening: Podcast called Breathing Pattern Disorder and implications in Long Covid (2022). This is the distraction that got me today. One of my diagnoses. The other is ME.

On Monday I skated at the Reservoir. First time in years! I was shaky but I did it.

On Tuesday I skated again, this time with Princess. She was so delighted to chase me across the ice, running as fast as she could, ears flapping, tail going hard. It was such a moment of joy but we both paid for it. With congestive heart failure she shouldn't have been running. In my defence I didn't know she would do that, that she would be so excited. I thought she would just meander around like she usually does.

With my ME, any activity like that makes me sick for the rest of the day. It's a trade off. Same for Princess.

I didn't skate today, I wanted to, but Princess was with mr and I didn't want her running again. I thought I would come back later without her but then the snow picked up and I knew I needed a break anyway so I didn't go.

There's a family who live near the Reservoir who clear the snow off the ice, when the ice is thick enough and they are not out skiing. They were there today, skating and clearing snow.

I hope there will be more skating days.

Catch up

New car in the driveway, in the rain and through a window, my reflected red plaid housecoat obscuring the view

So where was I?

Today is a very rainy windy Saturday and I am in my jammies, I may not change into daytime clothing at all. Last night my new-to-me car was delivered and now sits in the driveway. I have never driven it and it is raining too hard to transfer the licence plate from the truck to the car. I am assured that it is a wonderful car to drive, but have had no chance to confirm that.

I will definitely miss the truck. The past week I have been enumerating all of its deficiencies each time I drive it, in hopes of breaking my attachment to it. We did all the paperwork and money transfers last night, so the previous owner of the car now owns the truck. He plans to sell it to a mutual friend who really needs a reliable truck. I am happy about that, but still a little sad to let it go.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

My brother out west is in liver failure, and my 15 year old dog in heart failure. After a crisis a couple of weeks ago my brother was given 3 months to survive, if that. I was trying to figure out a way to see him before the end, but travelling across the continent at this time of year whilst sick is near impossible. Could be done but at great risk to my own health.

Princess in her new bed with her favourite toy

Finding out that my dog is in heart failure pretty much put paid to that. In the meantime my brother's status has somewhat improved, his GP is saying that with proper meds he could survive much longer than the original prognosis. He even sounds better on the phone.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

By mutual agreement my former GP and I parted ways a year ago. I've been transferred to a Primary Care Clinic and if I manage to get through on the phone on a specific morning I can get an appointment with a doctor the following week. Getting through is the tricky part, there is about a one hour window each week in which hundreds of people are trying to get through.

Nevertheless I have gotten more better care there in the past year than in the past 8-9 years with my previous GP. The doctors at the clinic ordered so many tests and scans and made so many referrals to specialists it darn near took my breath away. And unlike my former GP they explained stuff in non-patronizing ways. This is what medical care looks like!

It all came to a head in late September when the referrals came through and the tests and scans were scheduled. Extremely busy October, driving hither and yon for various appointments!

The specialists in turn recommended seeing other specialists not covered by MSI (provincial health insurance), so November has been a very expensive healthcare month. Specifically, a respiratory physiotherapist and an acupuncturist, both of whom are concentrating on getting my lungs working properly again. I was unaware that they were not!

Turns out that for the past four years I have been hyperventilating, causing insufficient oxygen to be absorbed by my lungs and in turn by my blood. You would think that hyperventilation would be obvious to me, but it was not. I think the acupuncture and breathing exercises are helping, but all the work of getting to appointments, minding my sick dog, buying a car and the usual activities of shopping, food prep, and minimal housekeeping is counterproductive. Not to mention the stress of family stuff. I am in a crash now.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

One of the internists I saw prescribed an antidepressant that she thought would give me more energy. First time I tried it I last two days, the lethargy and nausea overwhelmed me. Second time I tried it I only lasted one day, same side effects plus insomnia. On top of the fatigue and orthostatic intolerance I am already experiencing it is just too much. I am told that the side effects will subside, but I need to take the pills for more than two days. And walk the dog, get meals, attend appointments in the city, and just generally carry on with daily life.

I thought I had four days of nothing scheduled so maybe I could try the pills then, but it didn't work out that way.
I was incapacitated by one pill.
Stuff came up I had to deal with.
I crashed.

A Debate Recap With Song, Dance and Joseph Gordon-Levitt

From the New York Times, the Harris/Trump debate of September 10, the debate analysis you didn’t know you needed:

A Debate Recap With Song, Dance and Joseph Gordon-Levitt

”They’re eating the dogs!

They’re eating the cats!”

Fish tails

Please note that while based on a True Story, names and gender assignations are for storytelling purposes only.

Mr. Pleco and Ms Cory Catfish live in a flowerpot. There are two entrances on the ground level and also a very large picture window, but for the most part Mr Pleco and Ms Cory live in the windowless upper level. Mr Pleco prefers darkness and it is hard to know what Ms Cory prefers. Also hard to know is the exact nature of their relationship, or what it is that they do in private, in the dark. Perhaps the relationship is romantic, or possibly platonic, or more likely simply a matter of convenience: they both like the privacy of the dark.

Mr Pleco stands in front of his flowerpot house

Their immediate neighbours, the Tetras, are not exactly noisy, but they are quite rambunctious and stick their noses everywhere. They have been admonished on more than one occasion not to enter the flowerpot, Ms Cory chases them away. They occasionally and very cautiously peek through the main entrance but I doubt they see anything of note. They know they are not welcome there. Amongst themselves they play hide and seek games, play fight and chase each other around in a form of fish tag.

The nosy neighbours

Mr Pleco rarely appears in public but when he does he is most formal in appearance and demeanour, dressed all in black standing upright against the wall and moving about most solemnly. When he first moved into the neighbourhood he had the entire place to himself, but did not care to be seen at all. The privacy of the flowerpot appealed to him immensely and immediately. Ms Cory moved in later, about the same time as the nosy neighbours. She was accepted into the flowerpot but the Tetras most definitely were not.

Recently Ms Cory discovered a counterpart just beyond one of the glass walls of the neighbourhood. Oh my, wasn't she excited! The new catfish was just as excited as she was, as they zoomed back and forth trying to make contact. A far cry from the taciturn Mr Pleco, this new companion was a most delightful playmate. If only they could breach the wall! It would be so lovely!

Ms Cory gazes at her new playmate, who is barely visible beyond the glass wall,
while nosy neighbours watch

Mr Pleco stands with his back turned to Ms Cory's antics. As far as he is concerned, Ms Cory's new playmate is but a mirage, not to be taken seriously. She will return to the dark safety of the flowerpot soon enough. He simply stands by the main entrance and waits for her.

Bobby - end of an era

Note: I wrote this on August 7. I was hoping to find a suitable photo for this post but never did, and then forgot about it. Only ran across the draft of this post by accident in October.

Yesterday I heard that a man I kind of grew up with died on Saturday. Kind of. Our parents were good friends at one time, they met when they lived on the same street in Toronto. I was just 4 then, the same age as Bobby. He was very worldly-wise in my four-year-old eyes, he knew how to make phone calls and we talked on the phone. He said we would get married when we grew up, and that actually scared me, I am not sure why. 

Once we ran away from home together, he seemed to know exactly where we were the whole time but I was utterly lost. At one point we ended up on a very busy street with stoplights, I didn't have a clue how stoplights worked and didn't want to test them, but Bobby did. Fortunately I was just too scared to be cajoled into crossing that street. We ended up back home in time for supper.

Shortly after that his family moved to Mississauga and a while after that my family moved to Forest Hill Village, then one of the municipalities that made up Metropolitan Toronto. But our parents remained friends and there was a lot of visiting back and forth over the years, we kids were close enough that Bobby once referred to me as his cousin, in a particular situation where I felt in danger and he was putting himself between me and the mean kids.

Bobby's younger sister and I became quite good friends as kids and teenagers. I ended up introducing her to the man she would marry and have a couple of kids with. More water under the bridge and Bobby moved to the US and I never saw him again, although I did hear stories about what he was up to from his sister and younger brother.

I was chatting with Bobby's sister over Facebook when she heard from Bobby's girlfriend that he had just died at her place. Not sure what happened, might have been a heart attack. I asked her if she had any photos of him, today she posted a few on Facebook.

"End of an era!" She texted me. I guess it is. In her family she is now the elder: both parents and her older brother gone now.

It is not so much that I miss Bobby or am sad about his death (I am), as that it brings back so many memories of us as kids. There were eight of us and we did a lot of things together, like family, or at least close cousins. Bobby was definitely something else; his sister said he became eccentric later in life, but I think he was born eccentric.

In the last few years of his life he reconnected with an old girlfriend. He moved back to Canada to live with her. I am glad he found love at the end. His sister said it changed him, for the better.

Politics, heartbeats and stories

The last couple of weeks have been too much. Too much going on, too much I have to do, too much I can't deal with. But I think things might settle down soon.

My pheasant neighbour keeps an eye on things

I lose control emotionally when I have too much to deal with. There have been some not great moments.

 

Song sparrow by the pond

I ran into a couple of writers from my old writing group who urged me to come back, I said I haven't been able to write anything but they said that people would just like to see me. They are still meeting over Zoom, so I said Okay and someone sent me the link to the group meeting.

It was nice, and definitely validating to have my writer friends welcome me back so enthusiastically. I mostly listened, and made a few comments on what I liked. Then there was a discussion about trying to meet in person, various locations and possibilities. I originally stopped going partly because I had nothing to contribute but also because I didn't like Zoom. I still have written nothing but I have changed my mind about Zoom.

While they were discussing different locations I said that I was okay with staying on Zoom, but whether I attended an in-person meeting would depend on how close by it was. Apparently that clinched the deal, they said that if staying on Zoom was the price of having me return, then everybody was okay with continuing on Zoom. I felt honoured. I may not be able to write, but I can critique constructively.

The clinic wanted to teach me a breathing technique that would improve my Heart Rate Variability (HRV) which in turn would improve my health. I had to go to the clinic to learn the technique, using biofeedback. I was a total failure at it. The doctor thought the equipment might be at fault, but it wasn't. He demonstrated what should happen by hooking himself up to the equipment, and it was nothing like what I was getting. Within a couple of breaths he had his HRV under control, whereas mine was way out of control, disappearing off the screen both top and bottom. No control whatsoever. Then he took my pulse and said he thought I had a sinus arrythmia that was preventing me from succeeding.

It was a long trip there and back and I felt like it was a complete waste of time, I was a failure in self control. Well, that's how it feels.

I've also come to realize how political the Accessibility Committee is, and I don't like it. I was particularly upset that my comments at a previous meeting had been completely ignored and something meaningless had been written in. I spent a couple of days getting more and more upset about it and finally sent an email saying I could not accept the draft minutes as currently written. So at the next meeting I was told that they didn't have time to discuss my comments and so they would be deferring the vote on accepting the minutes to another meeting, as yet unscheduled.

I said that I could write a couple of sentences that would be acceptable to me and the committee could read and think about them before the next meeting. I was told that is not allowed. I said I looked it up in Roberts Rules of Order and that was acceptable. So then I was told that we don't follow Roberts Rules of Order, we follow something-municipal-something. I didn't even catch the whole name and had no idea what that was. And here I am severla meetings in and am only just now being told the parameters within which I am supposed to operate? That kind of made up my mind that I did not belong here.

One of the men at the meeting offered to chat with me over coffee about what was going on. I told him that getting stressed out like this was bad for my health so I was seriouly reconsidering. He said he understood how difficult it was but the fact that I refused to accept the minutes as written was a huge statement. And I should be patient. So that's where it stands. Plus there's another reason to stay, I might write about it later. But when I volunteered for this committee I thought it would be the least political of all the committees. It is, but that's how bad it is. The man I chatted with laughed at my comments, he agreed. I met him several years ago, he was just starting his new job in charge of Parks and Recreation. Apparently he wears several different hats within the administration now.

Still here

It is very hard for me to get things done. I thought I should start some kind of 'to do' list on my phone, since that is usually close at hand, but the couple of apps I downloaded for that purpose were not what I had in mind. I wanted something like my Mealime app which keeps my grocery list. Finally I decided to just use Mealime, prefacing each 'to do' item with the words "to do". Mealime files them under "Other", works for me.

I vaguely had the idea that I would post to this blog after I got a new computer, since the old one seemed to be failing. Well, I got the new computer but the process for setting it up is proving to be complicated. It is still on the To Do list, but falling further down as other items become more urgent. So I am posting this from the old computer just to say "I'm still here."

Worst winter ever. My illness is worse and as I am 3 years in now, I have no prospect of improving. I know this to be Long Covid but cannot get diagnosed because there is no bio-marker nor is there any agreed-upon criteria for diagnosing it. In fact, most doctors around here do not admit to its existence. Until there is a diagnostic bio-marker most doctors will tell you that it is all in your pretty little head (meaning psychological not neurological) and take an antidepressant for it.

My GP referred me to a psychiatrist who asked me two questions: How do you know Dr. P (at the beginning of the hour) and Have you any questions for me (at the end of the hour).

He told me:
1) post-viral syndromes don't exist and he knows this because he grew up in Ireland and Brucellosis (I thought that was a disease of cattle?).
2) Brain Fog doesn't exist.
3) I should quit chasing specialists for a diagnosis.
4) When I told him that my experience with antidepressant side effects was pretty awful, he said, Well even Tylenol has side effects. 

Since he never asked me any questions about why I was there or my state of mind, I assume he got all of his knowledge of me from my medical record. Great.

Now that many countries are funding research into Long Covid, a lot of potential causes and bio-markers are being suggested. Maybe sometime soon (i.e., within the next couple of years) they will narrow down on one cause and one bio-marker. Here in Nova Scotia it will probably entail investing in new technology to detect that bio-marker, so say another couple of years. That means Long Covid will go from being a syndrome (a collection of symptom criteria) to an actual disease, as MS did when the MRI came into play.

But that's not a cure or even a symptomatic treatment. So another decade or so. I am 75. In 5 years I may get my illness recognized, and in another decade and a half there may be a treatment. Right.

One day on FB (I rejoined in order to access some support groups) FB recommended I join a group dealing with The Afterlife. That made me laugh. With the tinnitus, brain fog and dizziness I don't feel like I am part of the real world, I am observing from inside a bubble constant noise, inability to think properly and unsteadiness, The BesideLife.

There is no outward sign of illness. I ace tests of my memory and executive function, but cannot follow a recipe or even remember the order of steps to make my breakfast. Words escape me. My longterm memory feels like old lace rotting away. I spend most of my time on my daybed, with breaks to take Princess for short walks and the occasional shopping trip.

I got an Accessibility tag for my truck and I bought a wheel chair. It was okay, but I need something with more features so I am sending it back to get a more powerful and more flexible chair. I am looking at my e-bike and kayak wondering if I should sell them. I've started VON Frozen Favourites delivered to my door at a very reasonable price. I now have a twice-monthly house cleaner.

I am gradually eliminating things from my life. The garden is probably going to go. I stopped making my bed. I don't socialize. My opinions and views on this disease are a bit too strong for most of the LC support groups I joined so I am slowly eliminating them as well. They say that when you live in isolation your brain gradually rewires to accommodate that, making re-entry into the world of people more difficult. It just feels like too much work, too much bother. I have one friend that I try to visit regularly, and according to my Garmin watch 'Body Battery' time spent with her is as restful as a sound nap; I guess the effort to maintain some kind of social persona is work, and I don't have to do that with her.

Yesterday I was in my driveway and my next door neighbour came over to ask how I was, in a concerned tone indicating that she really wanted to know. It was a bright sunny warm day and I am now quite sensitive to light and I was leaning against my truck in order to talk to her. You know how you feel when you have the flu with a high fever? It was like that, a real struggle to gather my thoughts and figure out what to say and what not to say, all the while clinging to the truck to stay upright and closing my eyes against the sunlight.

The snow is gone and temperatures have warmed up. I see young able people running and cycling and walking briskly, even swimming (the ponds are still way too cold for us older folk but for young people it is great for scampering in and out screaming about how nice it is while clutching their chests in what looks to me like extreme coldness). Princess has discovered her inner lab and goes crazy in the water chasing sticks and wanting to be part of the crowd of young people having fun. She caught their frisbee in mid-air and ran off with it, obviously hoping for someone to chase her and throw the frisbee again.

Given that this is my new life, I would like to re-invent myself within the confines of disability, but I don't really know where to start.

My Little Princess

I never thought I'd end up with a little yappy dog with entitlement issues, but here we are. She comes from Elderdog (a dog rescue agency that tries to match older owners and dogs), from a rather unpleasant background. A 13 year old Pekinese/Lab Retriever mix with a few minor health issues (for now). Princess is pretty much the antithesis of Hapi.

I always thought that while Hapi made people around her very happy, she wasn't really a happy dog herself. Not unhappy, just more reserved and independent. And Princess confirms that, she is definitely a happy dog despite her background. She makes me laugh, she likes to cuddle, and she sleeps in (on my bed). She will never replace Hapi, but she is the right dog for me now. 

With Hapi I could look up Malamute behaviour and she fit it to a T, but Princess being a mix I can't really do that. Sometimes I can say, "oh that's the Pekinese in her" or "that's the Lab in her", but I've only had her now for three weeks so I'm still getting to know her. She has definitely made herself right at home here; she's landed on her feet and she knows it.

Princess is a bit of an energy draw though, she loves going for walks and she can move much faster and further than I can, even with her limp and tiny legs. The limp gives her a kind of rolling gait which is cute. She would dearly like to play with the bigger dogs at the Reservoir, but her tiny legs can't keep up with them.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Big snow storm on Friday with about 5 or 6 cm on the ground on Saturday. My guy came to shovel in the afternoon, he was very slow but he got the job done, with some direction from me. Finally I can lay off the snow shovelling!

I had to do a stress test last Monday, I was half hoping that I would get at least one test that showed an abnormality, but this wasn't it. Tiring but not significant. But between hauling a load or two of firewood in and walking the dog every day, I am always fatigued and dizzy and brain fogged. Started LDN for the second time, no side effects this time but no positive effects either. However they say it can take up to a year or more to start seeing benefits, if any. I'm just happy the worst side effects last time—nausea and depression—are not there now.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In November?December? I watched a Netflix fantasy series called The Bastard Son and the Devil Himself. I thought it was really good but Netflix decided not to renew it. Then they changed the title, now it's called Half Bad, which is the book series it is based on. The library has the book series so I am reading that. 

YA fantasy literature is often not that well written but this one is, the author Sally Greene is older and I guess a better writer than many YA authors. She says she likes the Hemingway style of writing and tries to emulate it. I finished Half Bad and am on to the second book, Half Wild. I can see that while the Netflix series was more or less true to the main characters and the overall plot, it definitely made a lot of changes in timing and specific plotlines, also dropping a few to make it less complicated.

Greene revised her novels based on some of the things she learned from the screen version. Nothing serious, but she saw the racist implications in what she originally wrote that the Netflix version changed to something more neutral, so she did too. I got the first book as an online book with her revisions, but the print versions the library has are older and still contain the problematic language.

It is the rare author who writes a novel that can be directly translated into a screenplay. A novel is a different storytelling medium from theatre or big/small screen video; novels don't always work so well in strict translation, or vice versa. Very much depends on the talent of the writers and directors involved. 

TW3: That Was The Week That Was

Flat on my back again. But good weather for it, wet and grey.

This week has been kind of interesting, but not sure if it is in a good way or a bad way. I had two phone appointments with my occupational therapist (OT) and my care coordinator, one zoom call with the Dizziness clinic physiotherapist (PT), and one in-person appointment with my doctor. Each had something diffferent to say.

First off, on Sunday I started moving some firewood from outdoors into the woodshed since there was now room for it. I figured that if I split the job up over three days I'd be within my energy envelope. I also went to a neighbourhood Christmas party that evening, which I really enjoyed. However my first day of moving firewood I racked up 92 minutes of "fat-burning exercise" (according to my fitbit), which was definitely not within my energy envelope. But I felt okay enough to go to the party and get silly drunk.

Monday I still felt okay so I did the second third of the firewood, but there was so little left and I felt pretty good so I decided to finish the job. 46 minutes of fat-burning, still not good but I thought, oh well I can rest all day Tuesday. Then I went to move the sheet of plywood that had been covering the wood pile back to where it had been. Too heavy to lift so I was sliding it across the ground. The front end snagged on something, I pushed again and my feet slipped and I fell flat on my face onto the plywood.

Boy did that hurt! Amazingly, my glasses didn't break although the frame bent a bit. My face was a mess though. I went inside and laid down for some time and then went out to finish moving the plywood. Spent the rest of the day resting, I was pretty shook up.

Tuesday I talked to the OT, told her what happened, we discussed staying within my energy envelope and lessons learned from making mistakes. She was very gentle about it.

Wednesday I went to the doctor's and also the optometrist to get my glasses bent back to shape. I am thoroughly grateful for masks, I did not have to show off my really banged up face. Discussed some medication options with my doctor and she gave me a prescription for something new to try. I asked about a couple of other drugs but she felt they were way too new for her to feel comfortable prescribing them. They're not actually new, they are just starting to be used off-label for what I have. I was happy about the prescription that she did give me though.

Stopped at a farm on my way home to pick up some kindling and braided trivets. Went home and utterly crashed, I could barely make it in the door and to the daybed. Managed to get up long enough to get something to eat, but that was it, I was toast.

Thursday was no better, I did not bother getting out of my pyjamas because I felt so sick. It is post exertional malaise (PEM), the hallmark of myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome (ME/CFS). It can be delayed by as much as 72 hours after one has overdone it. So I overdid things Sunday-Monday, continued along thinking I was sort of okay (I knew I was going to pay for it but whatever) and then Wednesday afternoon it hit. It feels like a bad flu, minus the fever, respiratory and/or gut symptoms, one just feels awful.

My physio zoom call was Thursday afternoon and the PT just threw the book at me.

"What did I tell you? 

And what did you do? 

You fell because you didn't listen and you didn't do as you were told! 

You think you can just live like you did before but you can't!"

And on like that. I've gotten used to her style so I kinda knew this was coming. Among other things she mentioned that her mother has ME/CFS and she has lectured her mother about pacing and her mother continues to mess up. I get her frustration, but, a little bit of transference maybe?

The OT is very gentle with me and the PT is the opposite, but maybe getting lectured like that will make it sink in. I CANNOT exceed my energy envelope. Not only does it result in PEM, but as long as I am continually putting myself in that state I will NEVER improve.

Friday I am still sick. I have an phone appointment with my care coordinator. I tell her the story of my week and she asks me if I know what my anaerobic threshold is. I don't even know what that is, let alone what mine is, so she says she'll email me the formula for calculating it. She is happy to hear about the prescription my doctor gave me but warns me that if it makes me feel more energetic I have to resist using that energy, it is a kind of false dawn.

I get her email and the formula looks familiar. It is: 

(220 - your age) x .6 or .5 (depending on how severe one's illness is). 

This is meant to be the heart rate (HR) that I must not exceed, the limit of my energy envelope. I do the calculation and realize that it more or less coincides with what my fitbit tells me is fat-burning exercise. In other words, I must not get any fat-burning exercise at all (never mind cardio!). That's a steep challenge! I optimistically used .6 as the multiplier; if I used .5 I would pretty much have to confine myself to bed.

Today, Saturday, I am still sick but I needed to bring in a load of firewood from the woodshed to the smaller stack beside the woodstove. It was 7 minutes over my threshold to get it to the back door, another minute to get it stacked. 

This being winter, I will probably average a load a day. That is 8 minutes outside my energy envelope every day, at minimum. And if I do anything else (shopping, a short walk, a visit with friends, etc) I am so toasted.

This sucks.

John

I got a phone call yesterday from a stranger telling me that a dear friend John had died a month ago. I almost didn't answer the call because I didn't recognize the number, but he was legitimate. It was shocking and extremely sad, I spent the rest of the day in tears.

John lived on the other side of the country, where I used to live. I met him a couple of decades ago, warmed up to him gradually. He was the kind of person who was a little bit in your face, but not in an aggressive way, he meant well. I got used to that and eventually appreciated it very much. When I moved across the country he was about the only person aside from family that I kept in touch with by phone, and our calls usually lasted over two hours. We talked about everything, we laughed a lot. Ostensibly we were talking about my financial affairs—he was my financial advisor—but rarely did that part of the conversation last for more than 15 minutes. And it went right over my head. I trusted him though and was glad that he knew what he was talking about, because I sure didn't.

The few times I went back out west to visit, he was on my list to check in with. We'd meet in his office and later go for lunch. He was into ikebana (Japanese flower arrangement) and he made a new arrangement for his office waiting area every week. Sometimes he'd explain the meaning of it to me, but I'm afraid that went over my head as well. They were beautiful though.

The last time I talked to him was a few weeks before he died. I knew he had cancer, I knew it had metastasized, but he was so upbeat and optimistic that I thought he had more time. During the past summer when he knew his cancer had metastasized, he went with a friend to visit their family in England, something he often did. I gather it was a very good visit. He was also an extreme skier and hiker. He always took his dog on his hikes, sometimes his daughter would accompany him. He loved the west coast.

The man who called me yesterday gave me his daughter's email address, with her permission. I wrote to her today to tell her what a wonderful man I thought he was. She just had a baby the week after he died, how sad that John never met his grandchild! And how sad that she must deal with grief and joy at the same time. Understandably, she has not planned any celebration of life (nobody has funerals these days!).

It is so distressing to get such news and have nobody to talk to about it. I tried phoning a couple of people but no one was home, and none of them would have known who John was and how much he meant to me. I do hope his daughter is coping.

Surviving a broken brain

A couple of weeks ago I went to the Atlantic Balance and Dizziness Clinic in Halifax to have the dizziness I have been experiencing pretty much non-stop for two years now assessed by a physiotherapist. She was very thorough, the appointment was about 1.5 hours long, taking my history and running me through countless tests.

She diagnosed my problem as Persistent Postural Perceptive Dizziness (PPPD, or "3PD"). The standard treatment is a low dose SSRI for anxiety and cognitive behaviour therapy to train my brain to reframe what I experience as "not dizzy". Since I pretty much deny experiencing anxiety and am very wary of SSRIs she suggested pacing instead.

She emailed me a pacing checklist which I am supposed to use to assign points to all my daily activities and limit myself to only 10 or 15 points a day. So far I have scored 25 and 32 points daily, so obviously I have a long way to go to get it under 15 points.

The trouble with this system is that it assigns a lot of points for reading and computer use, and since I am very limited in the amount of physical activity I can do, I score lots of points in those activities. I am at a loss as to what I am supposed to do when I cannot do much else. This blog post alone is going to count for more than 5-10 points, meal preparation and "ADLs" (activities of daily living: getting dressed, brushing one's teeth, washing, grooming, etc) will account for another 5 points, and the rest of the day is toast.

I can see where such a system of pacing by points would be good for recovering from concussion, and limiting one's time on the computer or tablet or phone is probably a good idea, but I am at a loss as to what else I can do other than stare at the ceiling. Even talking to a friend racks up points at an alarming rate.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I have been chatting on the phone with an old friend out west several times a week. The time difference (four hours) makes scheduling difficult, but so far we manage. She has Parkinson's. It affects her ability to communicate and think straight, resulting in a lot of anxiety and depression about her situation. Unlike me she can still do two hour hikes in the nearby mountains and play ping pong, although her coordination is failing so she has some difficulty with the ping pong.

Last night we were talking about cognitive and memory testing. A year ago I had my memory tested at a local clinic and she is undergoing cognitive testing at her local Parkinson's clinic. She agreed to the testing for the good of research but has been finding it frustrating. We both have memory and cognitive problems. But the tests that they do seem quite irrelevant, as if the people who are doing the testing don't really know what memory and cognitive loss really is like. The tests feel useless and beside the point.

In my own case, the memory tests started simply enough but gradually became more difficult. They required remembering words shown to you on cards in a particular order. On the final couple of tests my mind just went blank, I could not think of anything. The tester prompted me with hints and I was able to recall the words she was hinting at, but doing it without the hints was impossible. 

She gave me my final "score" and I asked what it meant. Was I normal? Average? Deficient? She hemmed and hawed and went into this whole thing about what is normal, what is average, so I knew she wasn't going to tell me.

The thing is, my memory deficits have nothing to do with words on cards, or counting backwards from 100 by sevens. They are not testing the real memory losses, just what they think memory loss should look like. Likewise for my friend, she feels very frustrated because the testing she is undergoing has hardly anything to do with what she is experiencing.

Our conversations are halting and involve long silences as we search for the words we know are there but can't speak, and we lose track of what we were talking about it in the first place. But I feel like we are on the same page so the communication difficulties are irrelevant. We laugh a lot at our shared experience of cognitive loss.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Had a visit from the local Homecare Coordinator to see if I qualified. It's a tricky business. What I want is a little light housekeeping. What's on offer is personal care: help getting in and out of the bathtub or help getting dressed. If I need personal care they will throw in light housekeeping as well, but my income is too high to just get the light housekeeping. Also, the amount they would charge me for this is equivalent to what it would cost me to hire a housecleaner for a few hours a month, which is all I need. 

The problem is I don't know who does that sort of thing other than agencies which charge a lot more. The Homecare Coordinator said that they largely use VON for nursing and personal care, and Caregivers NS for the housekeeping. She told me the name of the local contact for Caregivers NS and it turns out I know that person, she lives down the street from me. I will call her to see if she can provide leads for housecleaners.

The visit was very helpful, and if I ever do need help getting in and out of the tub, I know who to call. She liked my woodfire and sat next to the stove because she said it was impossible to be too warm. Later she asked how I got my firewood into the house and I showed her my somewhat complicated system involving a firewood bag, wheelbarrow and an old bath towel. She marvelled at it.

"You have a system for everything!" she said.

Yup. That's what you do when you're old and live alone and want to stay that way.

Attempts to expand one's horizons

Lovely autumn weather has me attempting short walks. I have been driving to the Reservoir and walking around one pond there, this past weekend I tried walking around two blocks in my neighbourhood. They have been"repairing/constructing" a major road and I have not seen it since the beginning of the summer. My neighbours said it is considerably narrower now, since they put in the dedicated bike trail. I finally went over to see.

I only could see the top half and it is a mess. At this late date I doubt they will finish it before winter, so it is not going to be pretty. And it is indeed much narrower. One of the rental housing areas off that road has numbered parking spaces for tenants only, visitors must park on the street. Only now the street is too narrow to accommodate parked cars. Could get interesting there.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Also on the weekend, a friend called me to ask if I wanted to go to a concert of the provincial symphony orchestra, in 20 minutes time. If I did she would pick me up and drive me home afterward. One of the benefits of not having anything to do, one can take up such invitations at a moment's notice. It was a lovely concert and I really enjoyed it. At the intermission I got to talk to several people I hadn't seen in many months.

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One of our town councillors resigned in September, would love to know the story behind that, but I can guess. Anyway, now there is a by-election for a replacement councillor only they got no candidates by the deadline so they have extended the deadline. A friend who has been a bit of an activist in my neighbourhood was considering it. She writes a weekly email newsletter for anyone who wants to sign up, most of the neighbourhood and some folks from other areas are on the list. Several councillors were too, only the mayor told them they were not allowed. Don't ask. Anyway, most of them, including the mayor, have access to the newsletter via friends and family. My friend is pretty critical of the town council and has more than once been told off for her comments. A recent blasting from the mayor for being so outspoken really upset her.

When the by-election was announced several of us urged her to run, but that was right after the blasting she got so she was kind of reluctant. She did not want to mount a campaign with signs and all, and she did not want to give up her newsletter which she thought would be required if she was on council. However, the deadline got extended, and several town employees urged her to run, and indirectly she heard that some councillors would welcome her to council. Also most of our neighbourhood would like it very much.

She is still sitting on the fence. I said, why should you have to give up your newsletter? Shouldn't councillors be talking to their constituents? Maybe all the councillors should be required to send out newsletters! This secrecy business makes people not trust democratic institutions. I hope she runs, I am pretty sure she would be acclaimed.

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At the same time as the by-election was announced, it was also announced that positions on various town committees were also taking applications. I looked at the list of committees and thought that maybe I could apply for the Accessibility Committee, since I now have life experience in accessibility barriers. The application document was a bit daunting, wanting to know what work experience or education qualifications I had for this committee. This is all very youthful and ableist, zero consideration for life experience. What, I have to have a degree in Accessibility? Well I applied anyway. I am not expecting a lot of competition, but if there is maybe I'll apply for another committee. Dip my baby toe in the local political arena.

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After my weekend walk around two blocks I thought I'd try walking downtown and back. The bottom half of the road under construction is not finished either but at least it has one layer of asphalt so it looks kind of finished. They might get a second layer before winter, I don't know. However walking down and up that hill was a very bad idea. That was on Monday morning and I am still in recovery from that little jaunt. So I guess I can walk around a block or two but not all the way into town, definitely still have to drive. Only a few months ago this was still doable, now it's not.

Lazy days of autumn

Wet spider web at Tai Chi class

It's been a while but I am still here. I spend a lot of time on my daybed, reading, surfing and watching shows in the evening. I am currently ploughing through Mick Herron's Slough House series. I get each book at the library and since right now this series is very popular (thanks to Slow Horses on Apple TV+), I am not reading them in the proper order. I put holds on the ones I want to read and it's luck of the draw which one comes first. I still haven't read the first book in the series, but I have read the most recent (Bad Actors, 2022). I am currently reading the penultimate, Slough House. In the TV series Gary Oldman plays Jackson Lamb so when I read that's how I picture him. Likewise for some of the other characters.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Hurricane Fiona did a lot of damage here but one good thing came of it, a few friends faraway texted and emailed to see if I was okay. As a result I have reconnected with a couple of old friends I haven't been in touch with for a few years. One of them has a similar illness to me and we both are rather restricted in what we can do and who we can talk to. So it's nice, we're kind of on the same page. We used to joke around a lot, and that hasn't changed.

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I got a Handicapped tag for my truck this week, I no longer have to worry about finding a parking spot close enough to the grocery store. I still hate that I have to drive everywhere, but at least it is less frustrating. Today I drove to the Reservoir to go for a walk, I did not park in the Handicap spot because it wouldn't have made a difference. No ducks on the pond but a nice walk. There's a look off point where you can see the Minas Basin and Cape Blomidon, I sat on a bench there for a while. Someone walked by with their little dog, the dog stopped to say hello. That was nice. I love the smell of autumn, not to mention the colours. Just a lovely day for a walk. I am still holding out hope for more ducks, they cheer me up.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Next month will be full of appointments. I will be assessed by the Home Care Coordinator to see if I am eligible for services, and at the Balance and Dizziness Clinic to determine the cause of my dizziness and what treatment, if any, will help. Also see my doctor. She does the only one symptom at a time thing, so last time I went it was about my cough. I tried to bring up the dizziness (yet again!!! so frustrating!!!) and she said not now, next appointment. Earliest appointment available was in six weeks. So I went through the Nurse Practitioner at the Chronic Conditions Clinic and she made the referral immediately. 

At some point I am scheduled for a CT scan to see if I have lung cancer due to being a former smoker. My doctor's idea. But through a combination of prescription drugs and over-the-counter meds, I have the cough more or less under control, and I don't think it is due to lung cancer, or any of the other lung ailments caused by smoking. Also, out of the blue, I got called by an organization that tests your memory to see if you have dementia. I had gone in for a free assessment a year ago, and now they want to offer me a DNA test to see if I have genes for dementia. What the hell, why not. At this point I really don't care one way or the other. 

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Still going to Tai Chi but it is getting more difficult by the week. I am finding out just how short my short term memory is. The instructor says this is normal, but it doesn't feel normal.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I put my birdfeeder out early this year. It is mobbed by the blue jays who literally guzzle down the seeds. But the chickadees, cardinals and nuthatches manage to get in between mobs. 

One day a nuthatch came and the feeder was not up. It flew around and around where it should have been, perhaps thinking it just hadn't looked hard enough (I know the feeling!). Then it flew away, but a few minutes later it came back and landed on a potted plant nearby. It dug up a sunflower seed and flew away with it. Ahah! Now I know who is burying seeds in my potted plants! 

The mourning dove is back too, hoping for messy eaters to drop seeds on the table below the feeder. The blue jays have cleaned up their act, they don't drop so many seeds any more. I take pity on the very patient dove and scatter a few seeds on the table for it. 

My friend that I reconnected with was telling me about the bears that visit her area. And the coyotes. She enjoys their visits. I think I would too, but not a lot of bears or coyotes here. Rare visits by pheasants is as exotic as it gets.

Beginnings, endings and inbetweens

Students are back and my neighbourhood is surprisingly quiet. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. What, did they all mature over the summer? I saw one guy walking up the street with a bong, and later a couple of guys carrying 12-packs of … water! Maybe they all gave up booze? I don't know. I am enjoying the peace, for however long it lasts.

The dry sunny weather continues on and on. I've never had to water my garden in September before. We have water restrictions right now so it is a good thing I have a rain barrel. The water restrictions are not due to lack of water but rather a broken part in the reservoir that needs to be replaced, but is caught up in supply chain issues with no ETA.

I started a Tai Chi class. I really am hoping this is a level of activity I can tolerate. My Fitbit tells me that the first class hardly raised my heartrate at all, a good sign. But the following two days I've been pretty much confined to home due to dizziness, not a good sign. The instructor of the class is really good, plus he has volunteer helpers—more experienced students—to help guide us. There's one woman in the class who I am pretty sure has dementia, she sticks pretty close to her husband and only vaguely follows the instructions. But nobody says anything about that, the class is very inclusive. I don't have to pay for the class until I've completed two sessions, to know whether it suits me or not. At this point the jury is out. I really enjoyed it, but spending two days after virtually bedridden is a little disconcerting.

Shortly after I got out of my Tai Chi class I saw the news that the Queen had died. It feels almost like a death in the family. I know that some people disapprove of the Monarchy but I for one do not. She has been a source of stability for a very long time. When I was three years old I went with all my extended family to see her when she visited Toronto back in the day. Since our house was closest to the parade route, the family gathered there afterward. I remember the gathering but not so much the Princess (she wasn't Queen yet), just that it was a momentous occasion.

I liked living in a country with a Queen, I like that Canada is part of a larger community, the British Commonwealth. I realize that the Commonwealth is just the old British Empire with a new name and that the British Empire was a great colonial power that did a lot of damage in many parts of the world including here, damage that people are still having to deal with. But being part of a larger whole, for better or for worse, and having a long history, also for better or for worse, seems to me a good thing in the long haul. And I'd rather be part of the British Commonwealth than the Russian Empire.

Anyway, I miss Queen Elizabeth II, the end of an era that lasted almost my whole life. I think she did a very good job of it. It will be strange to have a King rather than a Queen, but I hope he does well too. I read something about him, how he was in the habit of espousing weird ideas that people made fun of him for. You, know, organic food, the environment, that sort of thing. Now he looks a little prescient.

Brain fog, experts and good neighbours

Third heat wave of the summer, although it being late August the nights are a bit cooler so it is not quite so debilitating.

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A while ago I quit Facebook, but then re-upped in order to join a couple of groups related to Long Covid and ME/CFS. There have been some very helpful, to me, discussions there about these disease syndromes, their symptoms, and the various drugs, supplements and remedies people have tried. Also a lot of comments on how helpful or unhelpful various healthcare professionals have been.

Recently there was a discussion of "brain fog", a symptom of both LC and ME/CFS. If you consult Dr. Google it is generally described as mental confusion, cognitive and memory deficits. These are all true, but that doesn't nearly describe what it actually feels like. So in this discussion, one fellow described it as like a concussion on a bad day and a hangover on a good day. A woman described it as like having a concrete block in her head and another like someone has poured concrete into her skull and it has set solid. I especially like that last description but they are all pretty good. I often have to lie down just because my head feels so heavy… like a concrete block. I have never heard a healthcare professional describe it as anything other than cognitive and memory deficits (in other words, dementia).

I have had no luck getting anyone to understand what I mean when I say I feel dizzy, and I am thinking maybe I should use the concrete metaphor instead. More and more I agree with Michael J Fox when he says that the true experts are those with the condition themselves.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I set off a bit of a firestorm in town this week. Over the weekend I had a rather unpleasant encounter with a local landlord who accused me of driving away all his tenants by my constant complaining about noise. Funnily enough, I had given up complaining and his tenants were going elsewhere to party after 10pm which suited me fine. Anyway the encounter was very upsetting, so I wrote an email to the Town Council about it and I told a friend who writes a weekly newsletter for the Good Neighbours Association (a group of residents living in the student part of town who are having to put up with a lot of student and landlord bad behaviour).

A whole lot of people are horrified by my experience, including the Mayor. I am going to be interviewed this afternoon by a town employee looking into town/gown issues. A lawyer in the Association wants to know who the landlord is. He is not above pursuing such matters within legal limits.  

I am not interested in going after this guy, he's unlikely to change his opinion and not being friends with him is not a huge loss. He is just an ignorant bully with no power. What I do want is for the Town to wake up to the bad behaviours of landlords, not only in how they treat the neighbours but also in how they treat their tenants (some student houses are very badly maintained and packed to the gills with young people who don't know any better).

What the Good Neighbours Association wants (among other things) is for the town to keep a registry of all landlords and require them to have business licences. I would hope that being registered would hold them accountable for complaints about how they run their businesses.

Sunny days, the birds and the bees

Finished varnishing the kayak, have moved it back to under the house since it is unlikely I'll be kayaking in the near future. But it does look good now. Had to take a few photos because otherwise I won't be seeing it again for another year. Sigh.

Dances with Whales

Traditionally one carves a fish or sea-going mammal into the bulkhead of a wooden kayak to help it stay afloat.

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The solar panels are now installed and running, but of course there's been a major weather change to rain and cloud for the foreseeable future. On a solar energy discussion group I saw that people with already up-and-running solar panels are ecstatic about all the sun they got in May and July. I missed out entirely. Might get a bit of sun in the fall, but by that time the sun will be much lower in the sky and sunlight will be shorter in duration. This year is a write-off. 

A little stress around my heat pump. Turns out the heat pump company installed it in the wrong place, and as a result the power company failed my solar installation. The solar guys told me if I could get it moved in the next few days there was still hope, and if needs be they would move it for me. But the heat pump people said that would void my warranty, and lucky me, they had a cancellation so they could slot me in the same day the solar guys put up the panels. 

Two guys came to move the heat pump, after a half hour of standing around waiting for head office to get back to them about what exactly was the problem and where they were supposed to move the it to. A couple of days later I got the bill, $200 for two guys to stand around waiting for a callback and then maybe twenty minutes moving the heat pump.

Not supposed to block access to power meter

I called the company and said, look, this is your fault not mine, you installed it in the wrong place as per the Electrical Code of Canada, you should have known better and there was plenty of space to install it elsewhere. They said they'd call me back, and an hour and a half later they did call to apologize and tell me the bill was being reversed. 

I don't believe for one second that this was news to them, they just tried to see if they could get away with it. But according to my new Fitbit, the stress of waiting those ninety minutes was equivalent to a half hour jog with respect to my heart rate. Got all my cardiac exercise for a couple of days in one shot.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As I mentioned earlier I may have given myself a concussion and was slow to realize it because the symptoms are so close to what I have with long Covid. However, I've been looking into things people are doing for concussion, besides the usual stuff that doctors tell you. One of the things I happened on is creatine (not to be confused with creatinine). Body builders and athletes love the stuff, it helps them to build muscle fast. But more recently there has been some research into using it to treat concussion. 

I started thinking, if my symptoms overlap concussion symptoms, maybe this stuff will help me? Because the local university is big on athletics, there's a lot of athletes in town and guess what, a shop called Supplement King that caters to them. So I went there to enquire about creatine. 

The very buff owner was happy to tell me what he knew. Yes, he's been using it for a couple of years, no side effects but it's not recommended to people with kidney or liver problems. I told him why I wanted to try it and he was very supportive, even telling me that there's a prof at our university researching creatine for concussion. So I bought 300gms of the stuff and have started taking it. So far, no side effects, but no positive effects either. Not that I am expecting instant results, the research I have read suggests that it might take a couple of months.

If I could rid myself of only one symptom, it would definitely be the dizziness. Two years of it is depressing, and it has totally wrecked my social life. If it weren't for my garden and the birds, well, let's just leave it at that.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 

In yet more boring health news, my doctor is on about my blood pressure again. When I measure at home it is fine, but when she measures at her office it is through the roof. Why am I not surprised. Anyway, she wants me to take a bunch of readings over the next couple of weeks or so, and gave me an instruction sheet and form to fill in. Problem is, I have a chronic cough, have had it from the get-go, and now it is much worse. I suspect allergies have kicked in. Well it turns out that when I am having a coughing fit my blood pressure rises into the hypertension zone, not as high as when I am in her office, but high enough to make a liar of me. 

I've started doing various things to get the cough under control, which sort of help, and I am dispensing with her instructions. I am supposed to sit up straight in a chair but that's the perfect position for a coughing fit too. So, I take the reading lying down. 

It's all very annoying having to do this. I feel like the pharmaceutical companies are pushing hard to get all old people on medication one way or another, and lowering the threshold for what is considered hypertension is one good way to do that. When I read all the potential side effects I just want to stay away from such meds if at all possible. Even if it means acquiescing to the prescription and dumping the pills down the toilet.

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Okay enough about that. In other news my onion crop is a bit of a failure, I am going to end up with bags of onion sets but not much else, maybe enough onion greens to make another batch of onion greens pesto. Tomatoes are coming along like gangbusters, I am freezing all the ones I don't eat; I have no energy for canning. Lettuce greens are a bust, and the broccoli did not do well, too dry in July. But still holding out hope for the brussels sprouts. Potato plants are dying so soon I will be digging them up, I think they will do okay. 

I got a few blueberries but the two resident song sparrows got most of them. It wasn't nearly as good a crop as last summer anyway. Green beans did great, froze most of them. I've left the bean plants in place because sometimes I get a second crop in the fall. I already notice new flowers on the bean plants. Green peppers are doing well but the peppers, although prolific, are just long skinny things which I don't like.

I planted a few scarlet runner beans, not knowing that that's what they were. Hastily set up poles for them to climb and they produced a profusion of bright red flowers that the hummingbirds love. One day while picking green beans I heard a familiar whirring sound just behind my head. I turned to see a hummingbird hovering not five feet from me, trying to decide if he was safe to feed on the flowers. In the end he decided not, but I have since seen a hummingbird (maybe the same one?) at those flowers and then later perching on my laundry line to scan the garden. Wow! Definitely will plant those again.

I was picking tomatoes the other day and unfortunately a bumblebee crawled up under my shirt. I was not aware of it until I got indoors, a kind of creepy-crawly sensation that caused me to try to shake it out of my shirt. Bad idea, the bee stung me. Bumblebees can sting multiple times, they don't have barbs on their stingers like honey bees do, so they can withdraw the stinger without injury to themselves. However, this bee was definitely injured and died soon after I shook it out of my shirt, I must have hit it. Poor bee. But now I have a very large angry red sore under my armpit, swollen up to egg-size. Have to be more careful next time I'm in the garden.

And that's all for now…

Five ships a sailing

One day this month I was wondering if I could remember how to fold a paper boat. I can't do much else these days so I looked it up on the internet, and successfully folded myself a little boat from the card that is inserted in New Yorker magazines to sign up for new subscriptions. I had a bunch of magazines lying around so I shook out the cards from all of them and have started to fold my fleet of New Yorker boats. A relatively simple craft I can wrap my deteriorating brain around.

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It has been so hot and humid, with half the rain we usually get this past month. Longest heat wave ever (I looked up Environment Canada records for our local area). Some parts of my garden are doing well, others not so much. I am now overwhelmed in food processing: garlic, green beans, green peppers, tomatoes and soon potatoes. The onion crop does not look good, I may end up with a bunch of onion sets that I can try to plant next year. However I chopped a bunch of the onion greens off and found a recipe on the internet for onion top pesto. Don't think I will ever make basil pesto again, the onion greens pesto is so-o-o good! I already harvested the garlic that I planted last fall, and the garlic that I planted in the spring is dying off. That was just an experiment so I am not surprised it is not faring well. But I planted enough in the fall to have leftover garlic cloves to replant this fall.

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I've been re-varnishing my kayak, it's almost done. I just have to give the hatch covers a final sanding and then replace the deck fittings. Right now the kayak is sitting upside down in the crow family flyway, they've made a total mess of the hull so I will have to wash that off as well. Looks like I won't be kayaking this year, maybe next year. It's quite depressing: no paddling, no swimming, no cycling, no nothing.

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I may have a concussion. I hit my head hard on the corner of a table in May or June—I didn't write the date down, why would I—and aside from a very painful bruise I didn't think much of it. But in mid-July I was feeling like things were worse and in particular I had a headache that seemed to be increasing in intensity. The dizziness and fatigue were worse too but I just assumed that was my underlying illness. Also it was getting harder to read or watch TV. I don't know how I clued into the concussion possibility but when I looked it up I realized that given my existing symptoms it could easily have passed under the radar. 

I spoke to the NP at the chronic conditions clinic and she started talking about going to an ABI clinic (Acquired Brain Injury), but that's in the city and I have been avoiding driving or riding my bike for that matter even short distances, never mind to the city and back, so I don't think that is in the cards for me. Nevertheless the NP recommended that I get assessed by my doctor and at least get it logged into my medical chart.

In a way a concussion diagnosis would be a good thing because it would mean that my worsening symptoms were due to something else altogether. That would mean that a recovery might be a possibility. Assuming of course the concussion is just mild. When I told a friend about it she then recounted the story of her father's concussion and how because of his age the doctors assumed he was demented and chose not to do anything. But one of his daughters was a doctor herself and she insisted that there was no way he was demented and they should operate. He had a large hematoma pressing on his brain, they successfully drained it and he returned almost to normal. So you just never know.

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I asked my painter guy to take the rest of the summer off, I just couldn't hack having to wrap my schedule around his anymore. When he only works a couple of hours a day it takes forever. The power company inspected the work done so far on installing the solar panels, the next step is installing the actual panels and then one final inspection after that. That inspection is already scheduled for August 11 so they have to have the panels installed by then. 

The solar installers told me an interesting story about my panels. So, they were manufactured and shipped from China. They were supposed to come by ship to the port of Vancouver, but Vancouver is so clogged up that the ship captain decided to dock in Halifax instead. Long way to go for an alternative port but the solar installers thought that was great; they could just pick up the panels from the port themselves. But no, that's not the way things are done. The shipment had to be processed in Edmonton so they offloaded everything into trucks to drive back to Edmonton for processing. Then they loaded my panels—and whatever else was intended for the east coast—onto more trucks and drove them back to Halifax.  

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I recently bought a Fitbit, on sale with a one-year Premium membership thrown in for free. So now I am obsessing over it, checking my heart rate and sleep records and so forth. It has a feature where I am supposed to drink 64 oz of water every day and somehow it is very motivating, I am trying ever so hard to meet that goal, getting a certain hit of satisfaction every time I add another glass of water to my score. A couple of days ago I mowed my lawn, which just about killed me in the heat, and the Fitbit promptly congratulated me on my aerobic exercise achievement. It thought I was out there cycling up a storm when really I was just slogging back and forth over my lawn. I think I even got a "badge" for it. Never have I ever been rewarded for mowing the lawn!

The sleep thing was the real reason I got the Fitbit and that part is quite fascinating. It tells me how much time (and when) I spend in REM, deep sleep and light sleep. It also tells me how much time (and when) I was awake during the night, most of which I have no memory of. The manual explains how it determines this stuff and quite frankly I am a little sceptical. The awake time is based on my heart rate and the amount of movement my body makes (apparently it has a motion detector?). I think a lot of that is just me kicking around in my sleep. When I was a kid there were occasions when I had to share a bed with my mother and that was her chief complaint about sleeping with me. There are a couple of other things it will measure, but it needs at least a month's worth of data to do that.

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It rained today and the temperature stayed relatively low, but it will be back to sun and heat tomorrow. My friend (daughter of the man with the concussion) suggested we do a day trip somewhere and I leaped at it. She will do the driving and it will be a chance to get out of town for a few hours. How my horizons are reduced! But then deciding when and where took us awhile. She wanted to go to a beach and Nova Scotia has a ton of beautiful beaches, but do you think we could find a list or map on the internet? 

We know they are out there but O.M.G. the Tourism folks are too busy extolling the virtues of trails and package holidays and tours. We found a webpage entitled "Beaches of Nova Scotia" and it was a list of parks and trails, no beaches. Another website touted as a map of Nova Scotia beaches had no map and only one or two beaches listed amongst all the package tours you could sign up for. There are a few famous beaches that are jampacked with people and a whole lot of others that you only hear about by word of mouth: miles of white sand beach and hardly any people! I guess we'll have to do a bunch of asking around.