I'm not going to recap it for you, so go read it if you're still interested in this post. I understand if you're not, I don't think I would be either. Were it not for circumstances.
This morning I consulted Dr. Google on what the difference is between depression and loneliness. I didn't get a clear answer, I think it might be like telling the difference between a cold, the flu and Covid. There's a lot of technical info about the differences (different viruses, etc), but when you look at the lists of symptoms, then things get complicated. You just assume that they are all different and you will be able to define the difference, but when you start looking more closely, well, there's a lot of overlap. Likewise for depression and loneliness.
There's a lot of stigma attached to mental illness (and loneliness, which we—as yet—don't categorize as a mental illness). Lately there's been a lot of action around trying to destigmatize mental illness, and there's been some progress, but it's still there. With the possible exception of Dr. Cacioppo there's been hardly any action around destigmatizing loneliness. In some countries (the UK comes to mind) there's been some movement toward recognizing that loneliness is a social problem and there's a lot of it, but when you look at the pictures accompanying such pronouncements, they are invariably pathetic-looking old ladies holed up in grim looking digs staring depressingly out windows at even grimmer outdoor weather. Well maybe not pathetic old ladies, but definitely pathetic something. Like, no way am I that person, and, can we say "stigmatized"?
If you admit to yourself that you might be lonely or depressed, and you go on the internet looking for what to do about it, it's all pretty much self-help-pull-yourself-up-by-your-own-bootstraps stuff. Reach out. Join a group, start a hobby, engage in happy self-talk, meditate to rid yourself of negative thoughts. Reach out some more. And by the way, if you ever have felt depressed or lonely, how did all that "reach out" advice go over for you?
The general assumption in our culture is that if you're struggling with this sort of thing it's a personal problem, not social, not cultural. Individualism, self responsibility, self determination are so much part of our ethos that we engage in blame-the-victim without even thinking about it.
Women who have babies are expected to choose between plopping said baby in a daycare and returning to work, or staying home alone to cope with childcare and housework alone. Not as much as in former times, but it's still an expectation that women get to feel guilty about no matter which way they jump.
You graduate and get a job on the other side of the country, you try to start a social network from scratch in your new location, all the while working full-time and living in some anonymous apartment building. Yes of course it's doable, and most people do it with some degree of success. But those who fall through the cracks are just that much more stigmatized because everyone else manages it, why can't they?
We make a fetish of separating people from family in the name of individual freedom, and we hustle old people out of the workplace and into "retirement communities" or long term care facilities just as fast as we can.
You're old and alone and can't seem to connect with supportive people? You're not doing it right, go look on the internet and you'll find plenty of advice on how to do it right (reach out, join a group, start a hobby, engage in happy self-talk, meditate to rid yourself of negative thoughts).
I guess I am just tired of well-meaning but stupid advice.
It's like insomnia. If you have it or have had it, the typical advice is sleep hygiene stuff: darkened room, quiet surroundings, no blue-light emitting screens before bedtime, rigid adherence to bedtime routines, and a few other things depending on who is giving the advice. If you have had insomnia for long enough you have the list memorized and just want to wrap it around a rock and throw it at the well-meaning advisor. Enough already!
6 comments:
I didn't read the article but a lot of this advice is in the one size fits all category which it certainly isn't. Loneliness and depression can go hand in hand. I am lonely for my estranged daughter today, on her birthday. I could get depressed about it I suppose but I'm not, as if depression is a choice. Depression can hit one out of the blue and to me, it's a whole pile darker than loneliness. The extraction from loneliness is faster. Depression can often need clinical assistance. It did, in my case. When it was severe.
Anyway, you've launched me off into my own post. So I'll stop for now.
XO
WWW
Thanks for your thoughts on this. As you say, sometimes L and D go hand in hand and sometimes they don’t. A lot of the cookie cutter advice is based I think on the idea that depression and feelings of loneliness are a matter of choice, and we can simply choose not to feel that way by following simple/simplistic advice. On some level they are a matter of choice but we don’t often have access to that level when in the throes of L/D.
It's been a hard year for me. I haven't yet decided to get a prescription but some years back, I took Prozac for a year before I decided maybe I could gradually get myself off it. I did that but then a year or two later, I also went on Prozac in a winter but this time 6 months. There were drawbacks to it, which I why I am not currently going that route. I found in Oregon one of the blue light helped, But I know with you, it's also about your beloved dog. Grief is another of those things that how do we get past?
Hi Rain, it's been a tough year on several fronts. I can't use antidepressants, side effects too strong to stay on them long enough to experience any benefits. My doc is recommending a light box, I might try it, we'll see.
Vitamin D can also be helpful, Annie, especially in the winter when there's not enough sun, I forgot to mention that when I posted the comment. I use vitamin d (drops). 10,000 IU per day in the winter and taper off usage in the summer. Huge difference to my depression. Also, interestingly enough, docs have now said they are tracking usage of it during Covid and find it reducing symptoms.
Worth a shot, but the pills are useless D-drops are good.
XO
WWW
Thanks for the suggestion, it does make sense. However I have to be careful with massive doses of almost anything, my body does not always react well. I am told that anything over 4,000 IU of vitamin D should only be taken under medical supervision. It's a fat-soluble vitamin and therefore not readily excreted if there is too much of it.
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