Loneliness II

I'm coming back to a subject I touched on earlier: loneliness. I've been doing a lot of reading on the subject and trying to formulate this post in my head. Principally, I've been reading Loneliness (2008) by John Cacioppo and Lonely (2010) by Emily White. Cacioppo is a social neuroscientist (a field of research that he founded) who describes the results of his research on the subject; White is a Canadian writer who describes her experience of loneliness in the context of that research. I found White's book the more interesting of the two simply because of its very personal nature, but Cacioppo's book is interesting because of the objective science he brings to the subject. Both writers refer to another scientist, Robert Weiss, who wrote about loneliness in the 1970s; White calls Weiss's book the Bible on Loneliness. He overturned some prevailing opinions on loneliness through his meticulous research studies. Unfortunately, those prevailing opinions are still very much in vogue.

Humans are an 'obligatorily gregarious' species, which means we need to live in groups in order to survive. We are biologically determined by our need for others in that being alone is not only dangerous but bad for our health. Some mammals are adapted to the single life (orang-utans and bears for example) and others are not (chimpanzees and baboons). The health effects are numerous and borne out by research. You die younger. It compromises your immune system and sets you up for cardiac and neurological problems. 

Cacioppo suggests thinking of the role of loneliness in our lives this way: humans first evolved in a relatively harsh environment (the African savannah) and going it alone was simply not an option for survival. But if you belong to a tribe and for some reason you are ostracized and kicked out of that tribe, then you are in danger. So there you are, out on the vast savannah all alone, and you see on the horizon another tribe of humans approaching. At first you might think, Oh good, I can just join up with them and everything will be fine again. But then you realize that it might not be that simple, they would see you as The Competition for limited resources, and you are only one while they are many. Maybe approaching them is not such a good idea, maybe hiding is the better option. You are in a difficult position, potentially risking death by staying alone or almost certainly risking death by attempting to connect with strangers.

That is how loneliness operates. You don't really want to be alone and it is ultimately bad for your health, but there are strong forces within you cautioning you to avoid contact with others. Unlike depression, it's not something you can bootstrap yourself out of. It's also not age-dependent, it's not strictly a problem of old age, although we like to characterize it that way. And it is becoming more pervasive across all ages. Just in the past few decades statistical surveys have shown that it has and is growing immensely as a serious social problem. But the stigma attached to it makes it very difficult to deal with socially. It is far easier to admit to being depressed than to admit to being lonely.

Until relatively recently we treated depression as a personal defect too, people didn't want to admit to it because of the stigma attached. But now we see depression not as a personal shortcoming but as a kind of illness that can be treated with various therapies, whether prescribed by a doctor or psychologist or self-administered. Loneliness still very much has a stigma attached to it, lonely people are seen as somehow defective, perhaps lacking in social skills, basically unlikeable, or deliberately self-isolating for wrongheaded reasons. The lonely person herself will wonder what is wrong with her that she can't make friends, enjoy an active social life, or attract a lover or mate. There are no proven treatments for it, a doctor or therapist won't diagnose it nor recommend treatment for it, other than to get out there and socialize. See the alone-on-the-savannah story above.

Weiss was the first researcher to show that lonely people do in fact have entirely adequate social skills and are just as attractive as anyone else. Many lonely people do have lovers and mates, even active social lives. He suggested that there were two kinds of loneliness, social and emotional. Social loneliness is the lack of a satisfying or adequate social network, emotional loneliness is the lack of intimate contact with at least one other person. Cacioppo goes on to show that there is a further breakdown into longterm chronic loneliness and shortterm circumstantial loneliness. A significant majority of longterm loneliness is triggered by parental divorce or separation. A person grows up experiencing a deep insecurity about relationships of trust that they can never quite shake.

There is a genetic component as well, some people have a higher need for social interaction than others, and that appears to be genetically determined. That doesn't mean that those people are more lonely, just that they may be predisposed to loneliness if that need is not met.

White ends her book with the development of a personal loving relationship in her life. She says that her own efforts to deal with and end her loneliness did not help, it was the sheer luck of finding someone to love and be loved by. Both White and Cacioppo contend that loneliness is a big social issue and really only has social solutions, it takes other people to bring the lonely person back into social connection. White describes some organizational efforts in that direction, loneliness reduction programs that attempt to bring lonely individuals into the fold. Not simply with other lonely people, but other lonely people that they have commonalities with that will ease the development of social connectedness.

White wrote a second book Count Me In (2015) that follows up on her life after the period described in the first book. In the second book she is single again after the love relationship of the first book ended, and describes her concerted efforts to reconnect socially. I've read some but not all of it so won't comment now about her conclusions.

Given the rise of loneliness in our modern culture and the past year of pandemic isolation, I can't help but believe that social loneliness may have reached a tipping point. I see in the news that mental health and isolation are now seen as serious side effects of this pandemic. How we will address that is going to be interesting.

Sometime after I moved back to Nova Scotia someone suggested I join the local Newcomers Club (part of a national organization). At the time I wasn't really looking for ways to engage socially, I already had an existing network of old friends here. However my membership in the club has proven immensely beneficial, I now count people I have met through Newcomers as my major social network. I still have previous friends and acquaintances, but Newcomers is a way to have a constant pool of new friends to draw on and social activities to participate in. The structure of the club is almost tailor-made to address potential loneliness. You join at a monthly meeting and sign up for any 'interest groups' that look promising to you. If you don't see your particular interest represented then you can create a group. We have groups for eating together, hiking, cycling, needlecrafts, book reading, games, discussion and social outings. People who are new in town see the club as a way to kickstart a social life here. 

This year the membership fee has been waived and several of the groups are on hiatus. The outdoors groups still meet (outdoors) and a couple of other groups have gone to Zoom. Admittedly our club skews to older people, young people don't often stay when they see all the grey hair around. Newcomers Clubs in other locations are more or less successful, have more or less restrictions on membership. One club is restricted to women only, another boots you out after a specified number of years (three I think). Ours is pretty loosey-goosey, we don't even require you to be new in town or to live within the town when you join. And you can stay as long as your heart desires, no pressure.